


Behind Every Dark Cloud is a Rainbow (Eventually)

by lissaann



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, bigbang 2010
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-23
Updated: 2012-09-23
Packaged: 2017-11-14 20:41:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/519306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lissaann/pseuds/lissaann
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen Ackles is a burnt out ER nurse with some problems in his past. One day his therapist suggests he take a class about journaling. In walks Jared Padalecki, a TA who takes classes just for the fun of it and who turns Jensen's world upside down. Can Jensen learn to trust this outgoing stranger or has his past experiences hardened his heart to not let anyone in?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Behind Every Dark Cloud is a Rainbow (Eventually)

**Author's Note:**

> This story started out last year as the NaNo SPN challenge. I wasn't happy about the way it looked then and I decided not to post it. Then came the Big Bang and I thought, hey, I can rework it! And rework it I did. This story looks NOTHING like it did when I first worked on it. The idea is generally the same, but that's about it.
> 
> I cannot thank my betas, taintedangel80 and siriuslyyellow enough. They put up with me making changes right up just about until the end. They both hand-held and encouraged me that this was a story worth being a Big Bang. taintedangel80 helped to tame my comma usage, my tenses and my spelling. siriuslyyellow helped me work with the plot and the places that needed more explanation or where stuff didn't make sense.
> 
> There actually are classes about journaling, but all the ones I've seen have been online. So forgive the stretch.

Jensen Ackles walked into the mostly empty classroom, wondering if this was really the right thing to be doing.

He had no idea why he agreed to this class that his therapist had suggested. She thought it would be a good idea for him learn about journaling when she found out that it was offered, thought it would be a good idea for him to be around people, maybe make a friend or two. He was unsure that would actually happen, as Jensen chose to be by himself by nature, but it couldn't really hurt, he supposed. It was also to bring some structure to his day, which currently he was lacking. He walked into the classroom and grabbed a seat in the corner, away from everyone else. As he glanced through his notebook, someone came over and sat down next to him.

"Hey, I'm Jared Padalecki," the man said, holding out his hand. 

Jensen gave a tight smile and shook his hand. "I'm sure that last name's spelled just the way it sounds."

Jared laughed. "It's not that bad, really." He paused and looked down. "So you are…?"

"Jensen."

Jared waited a moment to see if Jensen would continue. "And, uh…do you have a last name, Jensen?"

Jensen looked down. "Ackles," he said softly, Jared barely hearing him.

"So, you ready for this thing to start?"

Jensen shifted in his seat and looked at the ground, shrugging. "Well, that's why we're here, right?"

"Have you ever been to one of these?"

Jensen shook his head.

"What brought you here?"

He just turned and stared, not answering the question.

"Sorry, man, didn't mean to pry."

"It's okay."

"Don't talk much, do you?"

Jensen shook his head.

"Huh. Well, it's the quiet ones you have to look out for." He chuckled. "Wanna go get a drink after class?"

"I don't know," Jensen hedged.

"C'mon. I won't bite, I swear."

"Um, not to be rude, but why me?"

Jared smiled a million watt smile, showing his dimples. "You look like you could use a friend."

"That pathetic, huh?"

"Nah. Just looked around and thought you were the most interesting." He chuckled. "I'm sorry. I know I come on a little strong. I'll leave you alone, if you want."

Jensen paused for a few minutes. "Yeah, I guess one drink can't hurt. Can't promise much talking."

"Fair enough." With that, the teacher entered the room and called the class to attention.

_What have I gotten myself into with this?_ Jensen thought. _Maybe if I don't talk, he'll lose interest._ His attention turned to the teacher, Mr. Ward, and his introduction.

The hour and a half passed fairly quickly. They had talked about reasons people keep journals, going around the class and getting everyone's answers. As usual, Jensen hedged and simply said, "To remember what happens". Mr. Ward suggested that one of the things the class should do is go out and purchase a new journal, one they felt really reflected them and what they wanted from their journals.

When the teacher dismissed the class, Jared looked over at Jensen. "You ready?"

Jensen nodded.

"Bar? Coffee? Pick your poison." 

Jensen didn't even really have to think about it. There was _no way_ he was going to drink in front of a complete stranger. "Coffee sounds good."

"Cool. I know this awesome place not far away. Let's walk." Not really knowing the neighborhood, Jensen followed him down the block. Jensen decided on a latte and Jared picked decaf. "You'll thank me, honest." He reached in his pocket to get his wallet. "Let me get this, since I dragged you out here."

"It's just a cup of coffee."

"So it's no problem then, is it?"

"Thanks."

Jared added a brownie to his selection and paid. They found a quiet table in a corner. "So…,"

"So."

"Where are you from? Sounds like you're from the south."

"Richardson, Texas. Came to here for college and just stayed."

"Huh! I'm from San Antonio! How weird."

"What brought you to Connecticut?"

"Same thing – college. I got my Bachelor's in education and now I'm completing my Master's. Working as a TA to try and pay the bills."

"Master's, huh? Trying to get on the fast track to some professorship or something?"

Jared shrugged. "My mom is a teacher and I wanted to follow in her footsteps. She teaches high school, which I've thought about. I'm working with the talented and gifted kids right now." He took a sip of his coffee. "So what do you do?"

Jensen paused and looked away. "I, uh, am…between jobs right now."

"Ouch. That's always tough."

"I'm surviving."

"But what did you go to college for?"

"Got my Bachelor's in nursing."

"Oh! I thought nurses were always needed."

Jensen ducked his head. "They are. I'm just…,"

"Hey, I'm prying again. Sorry."

"It's okay. I'm just taking a break."

Jared nodded. "Sometimes it's just needed." 

Jensen took a few more sips of his drink. "Why are you taking the class?"

Jared shrugged with a smile. "I just like taking classes, especially classes like this where there are no grades. Just want to work on my journaling. I have trouble sometimes working on it and was hoping that I might be able to get some new ideas to help me." They sat in silence for a few minutes as they finished their drinks. 

"So, I know I asked before and I heard what you said in class, but since you didn't answer me – why are you taking this class?"

"Didn't my answer in class cover it?"

"Sure there's nothing more?"

"Like what?"

"I get this funny feeling like this wasn't your idea."

"What makes you think that?"

"Just a hunch."

"Well, your hunch is wrong," Jensen responded pointedly.

Jared took a minute and smiled. "Well, this was interesting, Jensen. Give it another shot next week?"

"Yeah, maybe. Not nearly as painful as I expected it to be."

Jared laughed out loud. "What, did you think I was going to torture you or something?"

Jensen smiled. "No. I'm just…not used to being social. It's been a long time."

"Well, it's about time that changed." They both stood. "Do you know how to get back to campus?"

Jensen nodded. "See you later this week?"

"Count on it," Jared answered. With that, Jared walked out the door. Jensen headed out to his car to head home, proud of himself for taking the chance on going with Jared.

Jensen went to his favorite bookstore to see if any of the journals they had felt like the right one to him. After spending nearly an hour there, he found a sturdy, leather-bound book, thick with lined pages inside and instantly, he had the feeling that this was _it_.

Even though it isn't the book Mr. Ward recommended, he chose to buy one that had more ideas for how to write in a journal. Jensen realized that this journal was mostly for his therapy, but he got stuck more than once, not knowing what to write about, so he took a chance. He had nothing to lose.

Once at home, he started. He stared at the first page, trying to figure out how to where to begin.

September 5

God, now I remember how hard it is to journal. Why did I tell Tracy I'd take this class?

This strange guy came up to me before class today and introduced himself, right out of the blue. I was sitting in a back corner, keeping to myself and he just walked right up to me, said, 'hi, my name is Jared' and stuck out his hand. When I asked him why me, he said that it looked like I needed a friend. 

Am I really that needy and pathetic looking? Jared said no, but I don't believe him.

It was 10 o'clock in the morning when Jensen woke up. It was _that_ day of the week. He sighed as he climbed out of bed and into the shower. He decided he would stop for breakfast before his appointment, since he wasn't sure when he would eat next. Jensen really hated the days he had sessions with Tracy.

He got out of the shower, toweled off and got dressed. Jeans and an old t-shirt was fine; he had been seen in worse. Since he wasn't working, Jensen didn't worry too much about what he looked like.

He stopped at Starbucks for a venti mocha breve and a muffin. He sat in the café, taking a few minutes to compose himself and take a breath before getting back in the car and driving a few blocks down the street. He pulled into the driveway, parked and entered the brick building, going to office 116. He sat in the small waiting room, picking up and reading a magazine until the door opened.

"Jensen?" Her smile was soft and warm. "C'mon in."

He followed her into the office. "I don't want to be here today, Trace."

"Tell me why not," the woman prompted, sitting down near Jensen.

Trace was Tracy Parker, his therapist. He had been seeing Tracy for over two years. He knew that she had helped him through a lot over the past two years, but there were just some days he didn't want to have to do the work he needed to do. "Chris is worried about me and being a pain in the ass."

"You know that he only has your best interests at heart."

"He doesn't need to worry. I'm better now. Well, for the most part."

"Uh-huh. So, let's talk about the journaling class," she asked abruptly. She wanted him to share what he wrote during his sessions. 

Since he'd only gotten to do one entry thus far, he told her about it from memory. "So, what do I do?"

"What do you mean, what do you do? How about spending some time with him, getting to know him, becoming a friend? I hate to tell you this, Jensen, but you could really use one or two who live around here. You should get back in touch with Steve, too."

"Don't go there, Trace."

"Why not? We've never really talked about why you haven't called him since you got back."

"We grew apart while I was… _there_."

"In six weeks? You two grew apart in six weeks? You've known each other for over seven years."

"Yeah, well. Guess that's just the way the ball bounces, you know?"

"Has he tried to call you?"

Jensen looked down at the floor and didn't answer.

"Jensen?"

"What?"

"Has Steve tried to call you?"

"I haven't been answering my phone," he mumbled almost inaudibly.

"Why are you avoiding him?"

"I'm angry at him, okay? Pissed as hell at him. Now let's talk about something else."

"No, Jensen. Why are you angry at him?"

"I'm not going to talk about this."

"You need to."

"No. Anything else, fine. But not this."

"Jensen."

Jensen sat there for the rest of the session, Tracy trying to get him to engage. He didn't utter another word and left the office in silence.

Tracy sighed. This was going to mark a difficult time for Jensen and she knew he'd start cancelling again. She wrote notes in his chart and wished there was more she could do. _You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink,_ she thought to herself. Cliché, yes, but incredibly true were Jensen was concerned.

September 6

Why? Why does Tracy keep bringing these kinds of things up?

Sure, I miss Steve. I miss him a lot, more than I'd like to admit to be honest. How can I just call him out of thin air when he stopped talking to me when I was in the hospital? I heard it in his voice, heard the change and shift in tone telling me I shared too much. Like always. This is what I figured would happen. It's not like I want to lose a friend. Okay, Trace, you're right. I can't really afford to lose friends, with Chris in Delaware and not able to come up and see me.

But that's the whole point, right? The hospitalization was for my own safety, but in sharing why I was in the hospital, I lost Steve. He didn't want to hear that I wanted to hurt myself or kill myself. It was too much for him. Hell, I'm surprised it hadn't happened sooner. I'm sure he had to have some kind of clue while we were working together. 

Should I really call him? I just don't know.

Jensen wasn't sure he knew what to do about Jared. He had absolutely no idea why Jared would be interested in him of all people. Part of him wanted to skip class altogether – if he wasn't there, Jared would just forget about him, right? Could he really be that lucky? Probably not. With Jared introducing himself, Jensen had the feeling that he was persistent. Maybe if he showed up just before class, not giving Jared any chance to talk to him? That was a possibility.

He drove to the college and sat in his car until five minutes before class started, then headed in. Jared was sitting right where he was the last class, across from where Jensen had chosen to sit. The instructor had followed Jensen in, so he gave Jared a tight smile and sat down.

After about 20 minutes, Jared leaned over and put a piece of paper on Jensen's desk. Jensen looked over at him, puzzled. Jared nodded his head in the direction of the piece of paper and mouthed the words "read it".

Jensen unfolded the piece of paper. 

_hey,_

_why were you late today? everything okay? drink after class? J_

Jared gave him a _note_? Like this was high school? Jensen looked over at him. "Are you serious?" he mouthed back. Jared nodded. Jensen picked up his pen and wrote back.

_everything is fine. i don't know about today. kinda tired._ He handed it back to Jared.

Jared nodded and scribbled something back on the note.

_talk after class._ The paper landed on his desk. Jensen did his best to ignore Jared for the rest of the time.

The topic of this particular class was the suggestion for one of the easiest ways to journal – stream of consciousness writing. Jensen was already mostly aware of this, it was pretty much how he journaled to begin with.

When the instructor dismissed them, Jared reached over and tugged on Jensen's arm as he stood.

"Yeah?"

"So…coffee?"

"You know, Jared, I've kinda got a lot going on…,"

Jared stood. "Hey, c'mon. What's wrong?"

Jensen sighed. "I barely even know you."

"Exactly. All the more reason we should hang out. So that you can get to know me better! To know me is to love me."

"I don't…I don't really get along with people."

"How about you give it a shot? You never know what might happen," and then there was that million watt smile again. "Let's go catch the baseball game on TV at my favorite bar. Dying to know how the Rangers are faring against the Red Sox."

Jensen wavered a little bit. He did like baseball. "Okay. Just part of the game, though."

"Great! Come with me or by yourself?"

"By myself."

"Let's go, then." They walked over to their cars. "It's not far," Jared told him. Jensen started his car and fell in behind Jared.

Fifteen minutes later, they pulled up in front of the bar. A loud cheer greeted them as they walked in the door. "Uh-oh. Sox must be winning." Jared shouted over to Jensen. "How about a beer?"

"Soda. Need to keep my head clear." In truth, Jensen was dying for a beer, but knew that he shouldn't because of the medication he was on.

"Sure thing." Jared went up to the bar and returned with a beer and a coke. They grabbed a seat at a table in the back of the bar, which was a little quieter.

"Great, thanks." Jensen took a drink. "Been coming here long?"

"Yeah. Me and my friends come here on weekends to drink and play some pool. Nothing big, better than just staying at home, ya know?"

"What, no girlfriend?"

"Uh…no," Jared answered with a smile and a glint in his eye.

"Oh." Jensen said uncomfortably. "Boyfriend?"

"Not at the moment. How about you? Got a girlfriend?"

"Uh, no. Unattached. Probably for a while," Jensen answered, vaguely.

"What makes you say that?"

Jensen looked away. "Not in a 'dating' place."

"Ah, so someone broke your heart not long ago."

Jensen blushed. "Um, kinda. Yeah."

"See, here I go again, prying. Sorry. It's just the way I am sometimes."

"Look, I think I'm going to head home."

"Oh." Jared sounded disappointed. "Okay, well, maybe we could get together during the week or something."

"Yeah, maybe," Jensen replied.

"Here, here's my cell number." Jared scribbled it down on a piece of paper for him. "If you're feeling bored or lonely or whatever, just give me a call. I'm always good for some beer and pizza, no matter what time of day."

"Cool. Well, if nothing else, I'll see you in class in a couple of days."

"Count on it."

"Thanks, Jared. I'll talk to you later."

September 7

Stream of consciousness writing? What other way is there to journal?

Okay. Well, let's go here.

Jared. J-A-R-E-D. 

Nope. Nothing coming to mind on that topic.

This is really just an exercise in starting to write and seeing where it goes. Where you'll wind up. I've never really appreciated this type of journaling, It doesn't make sense to me. What's so important about journaling about what you think without thinking it? 

My mind is a blank right now. I'm trying hard to push through all this resistance, but I'm not getting anywhere. Sounds like what happens sometimes with Tracy. We sit there and sit there and we just go around in a circle over the same topic. We never seem to come to an ending place for some of our sessions. Sometimes I walk in with an agenda, and sometimes I walk in blank, like I am right now. Sometimes I wish she wouldn't talk to me about some issues because, fuck, there are just some things I don't want to talk about, no matter how important they may be. She doesn't get it that when I don't want to talk about something, I mean it. If I talk about it, I have to think about it and if I have to think about it, it won't let me go for a very long time. Then I'm stuck inside my head, and it's nearly impossible to get out. Sometimes when I'm like that I'll call Chris, but for the most part, I'll just suffer with it. That's one of the reasons I'm taking this class, probably, so that I can see if writing will help keep my mind out of trouble.

I guess I had more to say than I thought. Mr. Ward said to try and write for five minutes, and that's about how long I've been writing, so I'm going to wrap this up.

Jared sat on his couch, TV on in the background as he began to sketch in his journal. He wasn't the world's greatest artist, but he liked to sketch and people had told him before that he was pretty good. He didn't even realize it to begin with, but he started sketching Jensen's face. He closed his eyes, trying to bring his features into focus. Suddenly the phone rang, making Jared jump and disrupted his drawing. "Hello?"

"Jared?"

"Yeah. Jensen?"

"How'd you know it was me?"

"I recognized the sound of your voice." He chuckled. "So what's up?"

"What are you up to this afternoon?"

"Nothing, so far. Just spending some time with my journal."

"You, uh, wanna get together? Maybe grab a late lunch?"

"Sure! I've lost track of time, so I haven't eaten yet. There's a little deli not far from my place. How does that sound?"

"Yeah, sounds good." 

Jared gave Jensen the address, which he punched into his GPS. Twenty minutes later, he found the store and Jared already inside. "Jensen!" Jared called out.

Jensen walked over to where Jared was standing. Jared leaned in and gave Jensen a hug. Jensen froze, not sure what to do. He never had a lot of physical contact in his life, so he didn't know how to react. 

Jared, realizing that Jensen was sort of uncomfortable, let go quickly. 

They both checked the menu. "Let me get this one, Jared."

"If you insist," Jared smiled broadly. He placed his order with Jensen following. They waited a few minutes for their sandwiches to be made and then grabbed a table in the back of the room. "So why'd you call today?"

Jensen shrugged. "Just taking a chance, I guess. I was just sitting around at home and wanted to get out of the apartment."

"Well, I'm glad you did." Jared took a bite of his sandwich. "You have a hard time making friends, don't you?"

Reluctantly, Jensen nodded. "I don't trust very easily. I…," he took a deep breath, "I've been hurt a lot in the past. And now, I kinda don't see the point."

"Wow." He tried to make eye contact with Jensen. "Hey, c'mon. Don't write everybody off. Some people really do enjoy being friends."

"Why me, Jared?"

"I told you. It looked like you could use a friend."

"How could you tell?"

"Just that look on your face. The look like you're all alone and scared and wary. Kinda like a puppy that's been kicked too many times."

"Kicked puppy, huh?"

Jared smiled softly. "I just think you need some time and a friend. Journaling is okay, but sometimes you just need a shoulder and some chocolate to deal with things."

"Do you always do this? Just introduce yourself to complete strangers?"

"I've been known to. Haven't regretted it yet."

"Huh. Wow. Maybe I've just had a ton of bad luck."

"Maybe." They both finished their lunches. "How about some ice cream?" Jared suggested.

Jensen looked at his watch. An hour and a half had passed and he hadn't even realized they'd been talking that long. "Yeah, sure. I mean, who says no to ice cream?"

They walked down the street a few buildings. They entered the relatively empty ice cream parlor. They both got waffle cones and headed back out to walk. 

"What's it like, being you?"

Jared let out a loud laugh. "What do you mean?"

"What's it like to just go up to random people and introduce yourself? What's it like to have a lot of friends?"

"It's awesome. Both things. You never know who you're going to meet and you never know how they're going to impact your life. My friends are great. Always have someone to talk to, always have someone to go do things with. We have fun together, introduce me to things they think I might like and make me feel better when I'm feeling down." He paused. "What's it like to not have friends?"

"I don't know. I've gotten used to doing a lot of things by myself. Sometimes the quiet and being alone helps."

"What do you do when things get tough?"

"I have one friend who's down in Delaware. We talk by instant messenger and by phone sometimes. We try and see each other every couple of months. He's on the road a lot, he has a band, so it's kinda tough a lot of the time. He can usually take a couple of minutes and talk to me, though."

"That's gotta be tough, though. What about people you work with?"

"Well, I'm not working right now, so…"

"Oh, right. Well, how about the people you used to work with?"

"Nah. I had one friend, Steve, but we…," Jensen took a moment to try to decide the best way to explain it without telling him his whole past, "drifted apart. We spent six weeks apart, with almost no contact and, well, that was pretty much it."

"You haven't tried to get back in touch with him?"

Jensen shrugged.

"Did he do something to hurt you? Why did you just let him go?"

Jensen cleared his throat. "You know, I'm kinda getting uncomfortable with this."

"I didn't mean to pressure you. Sorry."

"It's okay. I haven't been very…forthcoming with you."

"Is there anything I can do to make you trust it, you know, better?"

He shook his head. "No, not really. It just takes some time. I can't explain it. I'll know when it's time."

Jared nodded. "I have a tendency to trust until I'm proven wrong."

"Hasn't that hurt you?"

"Eh, sometimes. But more often than not, it was worth the effort."

They walked along the street quietly for a few minutes. "I should, uh, probably go," Jensen said.

"Really? So soon?"

"Yeah, I…well, I…"

"What?"

"I need to get some stuff done before class today. Need to spend sometime journaling, you know."

"Yeah." Jared sounded slightly disappointed. "You sure?"

"Yeah," Jensen answered. "I'll see you again at class today and then maybe we can get together a little later this week."

"Yeah? Really?"

"I had…um, I've had a good time today."

"Awesome." He pulled Jensen into another hug. 

Jensen tried to relax into the hug, but just wasn't able to. "Hey, not to be a jerk or anything, but think we could keep the contact to a minimum? I'm not real comfortable with it."

"Oh, man, I'm sorry. I don't even think sometimes, I just hug. I'm a very touch-y kind of person." He put out his hand. "Had a great time, Jensen."

Jensen shook Jared's hand. "Me too."

"See you later today?"

Jensen nodded. "Yeah. I'll be there." He turned and walked back to his car. Jared waved as Jensen drove off.

September 8

I spent some time with Jared today. He's pretty amazing. He has, like, no problem just walking up to random people and introducing himself. I asked him what that was like, what it was like to have so many friends. He said it felt good, that he liked having people to talk and do things with. I could never do what he does. I could never put myself out there, just opening myself to being hurt. After everything…after losing Kevin and then losing Steve while I was _there_ , I don't see the point, and I told him that. He asked me what it was like to not have friends. I told him a little about Chris. He asked if I had any friends from where I worked. I kinda told him about Steve, but just told him we grew apart after spending six weeks with almost no contact. Which is the truth.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have him back in my life again. He was so freaked, though. And angry. And that's why I don't tell people. I can't handle people being angry at me. Anger ends a friendship, no matter what the cause. Because once they're angry, then they get fed up, and once they get fed up, they leave.

I told Jared we'd get together again soon. He seemed really happy to hear that. And I'll see him today at class. So, we'll see.

Jensen ran into Jared in the hallway outside of the classroom.

"Hey, dude. Get all the things you needed to get done, done?"

"Yeah, for the most part. I needed to make some phone calls, which meant I left a lot of messages but no one got back to me. It's frustrating."

"You mean friends? Or business?"

"Business, for the most part. Needed to straighten some things out with my savings. Didn't have as much as I should have, and found out why."

"Did you try to call Steve today?"

Jensen stilled. He didn't think that Jared would remember that. _Damn it,_ Jensen thought. _Really got to watch what I say around him. He's got a good memory and appears like he uses it._ "No. He works second shift and today's one of the days he works."

"Maybe tomorrow?" Jared offered.

"I don't know. We'll see."

"You're uncomfortable about this."

Jensen nodded.

"Okay. I'll drop it. I just want you to give it a chance. It's really not as bad as you think it might be."

They walked into the classroom and took their seats. Jared opened up his journal to his most recent entry.

Jensen happened to look over as Jared opened his book. There was a sketch on the page that he was able to see. "Hey, you sketch?"

Jared blushed and closed his journal. "Yeah, sometimes."

"Why did you close it?"

"Um, well…," Jared stuttered. Jensen had never seen him flustered like this. "I didn't want anyone to see it yet."

"C'mon. Let me see. It's only fair, what with me spending time with you and all."

Jared reluctantly opened the book, holding it up for Jensen to see. 

Jensen stared at the drawing for a few minutes. "That's…me," he said, surprised.

Jared nodded. "I'm sorry. I just started drawing, and you were the first thing that came to mind."

"Me?"

Just as Jared was about to answer, the instructor came into the room and called the class to order. Jared wrote _talk after class_ under the picture and Jensen nodded.

The class flew by with some suggestions and discussion on prompts for journaling. Before they knew it, they were dismissed. They both stood. "How about coffee?" Jared asked.

"Are you going to tell me about the sketch?"

"With caffeine, I will," Jared grinned.

"Lead on, then."

They headed to the coffee shop down the block and took a table in the back corner.

Jared blushed, but it was hard to see in the darkened café. "I just closed my eyes…and your face and features just…appeared." He looked down. "My sketches are generally random, but this was after one of our classes. You didn't notice, but I was kind of staring at you."

"Why?"

"You've got a beautiful profile."

It was Jensen's turn to blush. "Um, no."

"You're not going to win this one, Jensen. You really do. Look."

Jensen studied the picture for a few minutes. "You're just a good sketcher."

"I had a good source to sketch from."

"Oh, so now I'm a source?" Jensen said with a chuckle.

"You know what I mean. Would you prefer model?"

"No, source is okay." Jensen took a sip of coffee. "Dude, if I didn't know any better, I might think you had a bit of an obsession with me."

Jared stared into his coffee. "Jen…can I call you Jen?" Jensen nodded. "I don't see many people like you. You're just this…puzzle with all these pieces and I want to see if I can put the puzzle together. I'd like to see the picture it makes. And I really just want to be your friend."

Jensen was silent for a bit. "Jared, you have no idea what you would be getting yourself into."

"So then tell me. Tell me what I'm getting myself into and let me decide."

Jensen shook his head. "No."

"Why not?"

"Because. It's… complicated. I've just got some issues that I need to work out right now." Jensen paused. "By myself."

"Big deal. You've got some problems – everyone does!"

"But my problems are just that - _my_ problems. They're too big to share."

"You've pushed a lot of people away, haven't you?"

"I guess. I just don't know how to be a friend, I guess."

"Well, I'd say you're off to a good start with me so far. Let's figure out the steps. Number one, hanging out with each other. Check. Next would be to talk. Like really sit down and talk. How about me first?"

"Maybe. I don't know."

"I'll tell you what. It's kind of late tonight. How about we get together tomorrow and just talk. We'll order some pizza, drink a six pack of coke and talk about ourselves. How does that sound?"

"I don't know." Jensen took a deep breath. "I'm scared, Jared."

"Yeah, I get that. But honestly, I'm not gonna bite or anything. I just want to learn what makes you tick. Not in a bad way, not like I'm trying to piss you off or anything. Wanna know all about you. Whatever you want to tell me."

"You're asking a hell of a lot."

"I'll back off if I'm hitting too close to home. You know I will. Have I pushed when you tell me you don't want to talk?"

"Okay. True. When did you want to get together?"

"Around lunchtime?"

"Okay."

"Call me if something comes up."

"Okay." Jensen finished his coffee. "Good night, Jared."

"Night, Jen. I'm looking forward to tomorrow." With that, Jared left the coffeehouse with Jensen not far behind.

September 9

Spent some time with Jared today. Wow. Talk about a whirlwind afternoon. He's got the energy of a five-year-old…just keeps going and going. 

Jared asked me today about Steve and I just couldn't talk about it. I couldn't believe he remembered, after just mentioning it in passing. Looks like I'll have to be a lot more careful around him. Can't let him see, can't let him know.

He _sketched_ me. He took a pencil and drew me. He said he started to just kinda draw and then my face appeared in his head and he just had to draw me. He told me I had a beautiful profile. WHAT? ME? It just…I can't see me in it. I see a face that he sketched, and it's a nice sketch, but it's not _me_. He said he'd been staring at me at our last class. I kinda noticed, but didn't really say anything. He's weird like that. At first, he wouldn't let me see it. I said it was only fair. I mean, I'm putting myself out there in a way I don't normally ever do, so it's only fair that he shows me something that he's not comfortable with.

He wants to get together tomorrow and just talk. About what? I don't think I can make a whole afternoon's worth of small talk. It'll get awkward, and then it'll get silent, and then it'll be time for me to go and that will be the end of it. I told him I'm not good with people, that I don't really make friends.

I didn't even mention in my last entry that he hugged me when I left when I was with him the other day. I didn't know what to do…I just froze. Hands at my side, getting a bear hug from this giant who had absolutely no clue about personal space. He apologized afterward, but I did ask him if he could not do that again. He seemed to be a little disappointed, but he's been trying hard to respect me when I tell him I'm uncomfortable with something. I can't do hugging. Not yet. No way.

He asked me if I was trying to push him away. I told him I don't know, but yeah, to be honest, I am. I can't go through this again. I can't. I can't take the crushing blow in realizing someone doesn't want to talk to you anymore. If I don't push, he'll get close enough to hurt. And I can't let that happen. In the way he said it, it kinda seemed like he knew I was trying, but was giving me an opportunity to say no and make me really think about it. Yes, I think I’m trying to push him away, but only for my own sanity.

"Good morning, Jensen," Tracy greeted him. "How are we doing this morning?"

"We? I don't know about you, but I'm about baseline."

"C'mon. What have we talked about you using clinical terms to describe how you're feeling?"

Jensen let out a long sigh. "Not to."

"So…let's try again. How are we doing this morning?"

"Again, we?" He chuckled a little. "I don't know, Trace. Okay, I guess."

"How's the class going?"

Jensen rolled his eyes. "It's fine."

"Have you been keeping up with it?"

"Yeah, I'm making the effort. Not quite sure _why_ I'm making the effort, but I am."

"Do you think you'll bring your journal in, so we can talk about what you write?"

"Why do I need to bring it in? Why can't I just tell you?"

"Because you could leave something out. Sometimes the way we word things have an impact on what we're saying."

"You're going to try and read into everything I say in there."

"I just want to hear how you're writing when you're thinking about it. Doesn't matter how silly or how weird."

"Maybe next week. We'll see."

"So what have you been journaling about?"

Jensen blushed. "Stuff."

Tracy smiled. "Any of that stuff about Jared?"

"Some. A little."

"What do you think that means?"

"I don't know. I don't know what he wants from me and I don't know how comfortable I feel around him."

"What if he's being truthful? What if he really just wants to be your friend?"

"It can't be that simple."

"Why not?"

"Because…because it never is."

"What if you tried to take Jared at face value, see what he might have to offer?"

"He wants something. I don't know what it is, but he wants something. No one offers their friendship without a reason."

"You're being awfully cynical."

"Why shouldn't I be? What have friendships brought me?"

"I think they've brought you a lot. More than you realize. What about Chris?"

Jensen shrugged. "Yeah, I guess. But I'm not always truthful with him."

"Why not?"

"Same reason I wasn't truthful with Steve. No one wants to hear me being all depressed and about wanting to cut myself and about wanting to kill myself. They don't need that."

"What if they _do_ want to know, so that they can help you?"

"Yeah. Because Steve deciding not to talk to me anymore is him wanting to help me. That's complete bullshit. And I can't do that to Chris. I can't keep piling all of this on him and he's four states away and he can't help. What happens when he gets sick of me? Then I have no one, all over again."

"So you're not even willing to give Jared a chance then? This could be something very positive for you."

"I don't know. We'll see. I told him we'd spend the afternoon together tomorrow."

"Then that's part of your homework for this week. Spend the time with him. Try not to be so cynical."

"I thought my journal was my homework."

"It is. But it's time for more."

"Trace, please. Don't make me do this."

"I know you can, Jensen." Jensen just stared at her like she had three heads. "You need to do this." They both stood. "Remember to keep writing in your journal and try to remember to bring it into session next week."

"Later, Trace." Jensen opened the door, walked out of the office and out to his car. "Really?" he said out loud, to no one. He sighed. Well, this is why he was in therapy. He pulled out his cell phone. He dialed Jared's number. "Hey, Jared."

"Hey, Jen."

"I'm about to head over there. Is that okay?"

"Sure thing. I'll order the pizza now and it should be here by the time you get here. Anything in particular you'd like?"

"Um, anything without anchovies or peppers."

"You got it. See you soon."

"See you in a bit."

Jensen got to Jared's just as the pizza was arrived. "Oh, that smells good. What did you get?"

"Basic pepperoni. I didn't want to get too exotic without knowing what you really liked."

"Thanks, Jared."

"Welcome. I'll be right back with some plates and the Cokes."

Jensen nodded. As Jared walked into the kitchen, Jensen perused the walls. There were a lot of pictures of Jared and his family on the walls, as well as Jared with a petite brunette, her arm wrapped around his waist. They looked happy. He wondered what the story was there. 

As promised, Jared returned almost immediately with the plates and sodas. "Great pictures, huh?"

"Who's this pretty girl?"

Jared smiled broadly. "My best friend out in California, Sandy."

"You almost look like you were dating her."

"I was. Until I figured out that I liked guys more. She was upset at the breakup but understood why I had to do it. But she's been so, so supportive of me. She comes out a few times a year to see me, and we talk at least once a week on the phone. She's found a nice guy who treats her well, and really, that's all I want for her."

"Sounds like you guys parted on good terms."

"Yeah, we did, and I'm really lucky. Things really could have really gone a different way."

Jared sat down on the couch and motioned for Jensen to join him. Jensen grabbed a plate and a couple of slices of pizza. The two ate quietly, simple banter running between them. Once they were finished with the pizza, Jared brought it back into the kitchen into the refrigerator and put the plates into the sink.

"So, how are you doing today?"

"Okay, I guess," Jensen answered. "How about you?"

"Doing pretty well. Having a good day so far." He smiled. "And now it's gotten even better."

"What have you done?"

"Oh, did some cleaning…couldn't let you see the place like it was earlier today…and talked to a couple of friends. My friends work weird hours, so they call while I'm home. I did a little bit of studying and some lesson plans, too. Full morning. What have you been up to?"

"I had…an appointment this morning, That's pretty much all I've done so far. My body is still really used to working second shift, so I go to sleep late and wake up late."

"Second shift. That must have been tough."

"Well, at first it was really great. I'd get to do things during the day like go shopping or DMV or whatever and not have to worry about lines or tons of people. And I'd get together with Steve for lunch a couple times a week. Sometimes I'd log on and talk to Chris…most of the time, he worked at night, with his band, so he was home." Jensen took a swig of Coke. "But then, it started to have its downside. I couldn't see what family I have up here because they were always working when I was at home and vice versa. It got to the point where I was just exhausted – sleep, work, maybe eat, sleep, shower, work and so on. That's the reason I'm not working right now. I just go too burned out. I couldn’t handle it anymore."

Jared looked at him. "You know, that's probably the most you've said to me since we met in class." He chuckled. "I'm glad to hear you're talking. I like hearing you talk." Jared took a drink. "Sounds like you had a rough time there at the end."

"Yeah. I got suspended for not having my documentation done right. It was so humiliating."

"Is that why you're not working? The burnout caused you problems at work?"

"Um. Damn. Didn't mean to talk so much."

"It's okay, Jensen. I'm not going to judge you. It sounds understandable. An ER is full of stress, and then putting your body clock on a different schedule than usual…how long did you hang in there for?"

"Nine years. I felt like a failure, though, because there are nurses who have been there a lot longer than I have."

"Hey, you're not a failure for that. You did what you could until you couldn't anymore. I'm sure you helped a ton of people."

"Yeah, I guess. Sometimes I miss it, miss the feeling of helping people, but most of the time, I just feel relieved of all that pressure."

Jared nodded. "I can only imagine."

"So, what about you? TAing must be a little tough."

"Eh, it's teaching," Jared chuckled. "I work with the beginning levels a lot, so it's more working on things like child psychology and English. It's not brain surgery."

Jensen laughed as well. "How many kids?"

"About 30. If it were a higher level course, I'd have a much smaller load because it would need to be more individualized, but at the beginning it's okay to work with a bigger group."

"Do you have office hours and everything?"

"Yeah, I do. I like helping the kids. I know what it's like to be there and not understand something and need it to be explained in a different manner but not wanting to ask in class."

Jensen nodded. "Yeah, had to do some of that in my college career, as well. I thought about teaching, something along the lines of biology or something, but I could just never get through having to teach a class. We'd do class projects and I'd just freeze. I dropped out of public speaking two days in. So I changed to nursing. Then there were no more group projects. It boiled down to bio, chem., anatomy, physiology, clinical rotations. Which was a different load to tackle."

"Why did you pick the ER?"

"My mom is a psych nurse. I had thought about that, but she always came home with these horror stories of patients who needed to be restrained and who wouldn't cooperate and I could see all of the patients coming back in over and over again, never seeming like they were getting any better. At least with the ER, in general, you could see people improving."

"But I'm sure some people died, too."

"Yeah. Those are always tough, but you just move to the next patient. The adrenaline rush rocked and not knowing what was happening next made things interesting. In the beginning, it was like every day was a new adventure.."

"Sounds like things have been tough."

He paused and nodded. "Yeah."

"But, you're here. That must have taken some guts."

Jensen sat quietly for a few minutes and looked down. "I don't know if strength was what it was. I just pushed through, did what I needed to do."

"Wow. That's pretty impressive. I don't think I'd make it."

"Heh. You'd be surprised what you can do when you're pushed."

"Want another Coke?" Jared offered.

"Yeah, that'd be great."

Jared walked into the kitchen with the empties and grabbed two new bottles.

"Thanks, man."

"No problem." Jared opened his soda, took a sip, and then looked at Jensen, trying to make eye contact. "Jen? Why do you have a problem making friends? What's happened?"

Jensen hesitated. "I don't know…," he started.

"I'm not going to judge you, Jen," Jared said softly. "Everyone's been through hard periods and been hurt by people."

"Yeah. But most people aren't as stupid as I am."

"C'mon, Jen, don't say that. You're not stupid."

Jensen let out a strangled chuckle. "You haven't heard the story yet."

"Tell me."

Jensen stayed quiet for a few minutes. "No, I can't," he said softly.

"Hey, it's okay. No pressure. You'll tell me when you're ready."

"Might not be ready," Jensen answered.

"We'll see." Jared grinned. "Hey, how about we watch a movie; give you a break from talking."

"What have you got?"

Jared ran down the list of movies, and they settled on _The Punisher_. They sat there, talking throughout the movie, laughing and making comments where appropriate.

After the movie finished, Jensen looked over at Jared. "Do you mind if we call it a day? I'm sort of tired, what with all of this talking and everything. I've still got a couple things to do, too."

"You know, Jen, you don't have to lie to me anymore. If you want to leave, that's fine. Just let me know."

"I'd like to get going for now."

Jared walked him to the door.

"I'll call tomorrow," Jensen said.

"Take care, Jensen. And thank you for coming over."

"Thank you, Jared." He gave a little wave and got into his car.

"Good morning, Jensen," Tracy said as she ushered him into the office.

"Hi Tracy." He held up his journal. "See? I brought it."

"Good! Now, you need to share it with me."

"Can't I just give it to you and let you read it?"

"No. I want to hear it in your voice, from you."

Jensen sighed as he read his recent entries, including his writing about Jared.

"You're going to meet him today?"

"Yeah, pretty much as soon as I leave."

"Why do you think he's wrong about what he thinks?"

"C'mon, Trace. You're kidding, right? I'm not that fascinating."

"Apparently you are to Jared. You know Jensen, and this has been talked about before, you need to work on your self-identity. You are not your hospitalization. You are not your therapy. You are not the failure you think you are. You've made a lot of progress and worked very hard to do so."

"Progress? Yeah, right. I'm still here, aren't I?"

"There's nothing wrong with being in therapy. Most people could use to be in therapy for a while. Things are kind of calm for you right now; this is a good time to look at chronic issues, things that will take longer than a session or two to work on. And your self-image and self-esteem – this is a great time to work on those, as you embark on a new friendship. Jared could teach you a lot. I said that from the beginning. Give Jared the benefit of the doubt."

"The last time I gave someone the benefit of the doubt, they decided that I was too emotionally dependent and that they no longer wanted to keep the promises they made to me."

"Jensen, you can't let that color all of your interactions. Not everything is going to end up like that."

"I can't handle it if it does! It's happened once and I'm barely over it! What if Jared screws me over, too?"

"It doesn't sound like he's out to do that."

"It didn't sound like Sam would do that, either, at the beginning."

"Jensen. You've got to start to trust again. Trusting is a good thing. Friendships are a good thing."

"And if things fall apart?"

"You'll pick yourself back up, dust yourself off and go from there. Just like you have in the past."

"I can't keep doing this, Trace. Sometimes it's time to say enough is enough."

"Let me toss something out here. It's something we haven't talked about in a couple of sessions. How are your cutting urges?"

Jensen stared at Tracy. "Um, well…"

"They're decreasing, aren't they? The more time you spend with Jared, the less time you have to think about all of these negative things about yourself. And your suicidal thoughts?"

"Yeah, them too. Jared makes me smile, every once in a while. I just wish I knew what I did to draw his attention."

"Jensen, don't look this in the mouth. Take it for what it is. It's an offer of friendship. It's the chance to connect with someone. You need that. You need to make those connections. It really will help stabilize things for you. Honest."

"I don't always believe you, Tracy. I know you know that."

"Has much of what I said been wrong?"

Jensen sighed. "No, I guess not."

"Okay. Get out of here, then. Go see Jared and make sure to journal when you get home, first thoughts you have, don't censor them."

"And you want me to bring it in next week, don't you?"

"Yes, I do. I want to hear more about Jared, and what kind of impact he's having on you. I think he's already having more of an influence than you'd like to admit."

"Let's not go there, Trace. Not right now."

"I'm not going to forget this."

"I know you won't. I can always count on you for that."

"See you next week, Jensen."

"Yeah, see ya, Trace."

Jared walked into the classroom just minutes after Jensen arrived. Jensen looked nervous, eyes darting around everywhere, until he saw Jared and smiled. "Hey," he said quietly.

"Hey," Jared answered. "How you doing?"

"Um, okay, I guess. You?"

"I missed you yesterday. I was hoping that maybe you'd come back over."

"I…um, I couldn't. Nothing against you."

"I understand." Jared made eye contact with Jensen. "You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I am."

"Coffee after class?"

"I'd like that."

"Cool."

As with each other class, time flew by, however, Jared felt like each minute was passing as slowly as it possibly could. He wanted to get out of the classroom and be with Jensen. When the instructor finally dismissed them, Jared jumped up. "Hey, how about you come back to my place instead of going to the coffeehouse?"

Jensen hedged for a minute. "Are you sure?"

"Jen, I wouldn't have asked you if I didn't want you there."

"Okay. Okay, that sounds good."

They got into their cars and drove to Jared's. Jared ducked into the kitchen to make coffee. "Usual?"

"Yeah, black, three sugars."

"You got it."

Jared carefully carried the cups into the living room.

"Thanks."

Jared smiled. "I'm glad you agreed to come back home with me."

"I, uh…,"

"What?"

His voice barely above a whisper, Jensen said, "I missed you too yesterday."

"Really?" Jared said with a small smile on his face.

"Yeah, really. You seem surprised."

"Well, I am, a little. But glad. See? No reason to be scared. I'm still here."

Jensen took a sip of his coffee and sat there for a long moment. "So," he started, in an attempt to change the subject, "how long have you lived here?"

"Well, I lived on campus for undergrad. Then once I decided I liked it here, I rented the house. Most likely I'll buy something around here. Well, if I get the chance. Been here, oh, I don't know…year and a half or so."

"No roommates? Seems like a big place to have all by yourself."

"I gave it a shot…," Jared answered.

"But?"

"He had the problem with me, when he found out I'm gay."

"Ouch. Sorry to hear that."

"Which part? The roommate who didn't work out, or that I'm gay?" And again, there was that smile.

"The roommate. I didn't mean to imply…,"

"No, it's okay. I'm just being a little obnoxious, sorry." He sat down on the other end of the couch and turned the TV on. It was in the third inning, Rangers up and leading the Sox 1-0. "So, do you live by yourself?"

"Yeah. Have since…I dunno. 2004?"

"You don't remember how long you've lived by yourself?"

"It's…complicated," Jensen replied, trying to dodge the question.

"It can't be _that_ complicated."

"How about I don't want to talk about it?"

"Okay. So is there anything you _will_ talk about?" The sound of frustration crept into Jared's voice.

"I'm not real good at this. As you've seen, I kinda keep to myself."

"Okay…how about I ask the questions and you can answer if you're comfortable.."

Jensen took a minute to think, then nodded. "Okay. I get to say no to anything."

"Fair enough. Let's start simple. Tell me about your family."

"That's simple?" Jensen asked with a raised eyebrow. He chuckled. "Okay. Older brother and younger sister. Josh and Megan."

"Hey! I have an older brother and younger sister, too! Jeff and Mackenzie! How's that for coincidence?"

"Wow. Weird."

"See? We were meant to be friends. Both from Texas, both have an older brother whose name begins with J and a younger sister whose name begins with M…it's fate!"

Jensen had to chuckle at Jared's logic. "Okay, well, that is a bunch of coincidences."

"So, you said the last time we talked that you're taking a break from nursing…what are you doing now?" Jared took a long swallow of beer.

Jensen hedged. "Not much. I have some vacation time and some savings, so I'm just trying to figure out what's next."

"You don't want to go back into nursing?"

"Um. No, not right now." He looked away from Jared. "Hey, I'm getting a little uncomfortable about this."

"Right. Sorry." Jared held up his bottle to toast Jensen. "Here's to new friends."

"I think you're supposed to toast _before_ you take a sip."

"I always do things a little differently."

"I bet you do, Jared." He took a drink. "So, how about a tour of your place? Since you didn't show me around the last time."

"Sure!" Jared walked him around the house, showing off his favorite features of the place. 

"A pool table?"

"Yeah, isn't it awesome?"

"I didn't know you played pool," Jensen responded.

"Why, do you play?"

"Bet your ass I do."

"Oh, it is so on." Jared racked up the balls and let Jensen break. Comfortable banter about the pool game played back and forth between them. _This, this is what I want to see,_ Jared thought. _This is Jensen less guarded._ He knew from this that he wanted to make Jensen as comfortable as he was at this point anytime he came over to the house.

After Jensen beat the pants off of Jared best two out of three, Jensen had told Jared he needed to head home.

"Thanks for coming over, Jensen. I've had a good time today."

"Yeah, me too. I'll see you later, Jared."

September 12

Wow.

I actually spent an afternoon with Jared and it wasn't uncomfortable. And I was able to admit that I had missed him. We've been getting together just about every day now, and it did feel weird not to spend time with him yesterday.

But today was good. It was low-key and there were no expectations. I felt truly comfortable in his house. We didn't do anything major, just played pool but it was nice – it was what it had been like with Steve, when we were just getting to know each other. No deep talks, no soul-revealing secrets, just pool and some friendly chatter. 

If I knew it could stay like this, it'd be fine. This could be all I'm looking for – someone to spend time with so that I'm not so alone during the day. 

There's something about Jared, though. Like if I was going to trust someone, it would likely be him. 

But no, that's not going to happen. I like Jared, which means I can't even think of letting him know about my past.

September 13

Ugh. I hate this time of year. Anniversary time. Let's see. Today would be…Kevin's birthday. He's 35 today.

Yes, damn it, I remember. I remember everything and how everything went down.

God, this is so hard.

His job became more important than I was and yet I hung in there for an extra year and a half, hoping that he'd change, that he'd figure out what was going on, see how unhappy I was. And he didn't. He didn't even care. 

All of these anniversaries fall in this month. His birthday, the breakup, getting together with Sam. Then having my world fall apart. All in less than 30 days.

See, this, this is why I need to be alone. Things just fall apart so quickly. 

And this is why I can't feel anything. It's just too hard.

September 15

Write a letter you know you will never send. Write it to anyone you like.

Well, that just opens a ton of doors, doesn't it?

Sam,

I hate you. I hate you so much I don't think that there are words enough to describe it. The problem is I shouldn't hate this much. It's not healthy to hate this much. But you, god, what you put me through.

You promised you'd be there. You promised we'd be together. You promised so much and dumb ass me believed you. I believed you!! You knew how upset I was about the breakup, you knew how hard it was for me, you knew what it was doing to me. You knew you were the light at the end of the tunnel for me. You knew you were the reason I was hanging on, pushing myself through. Fuck you. Fuck you, I trusted you, with my secrets, with my doubts, with my heart. And you fucking stomped on it like it was nothing.

I'm not the kind of person to wish bad things on people, but I wish that you're not happy, I hope things fall apart for you, I hope you feel what I felt when you decided that I was too much for you to handle. I hope you feel that heartache that I live with every day.

Jensen  
\-----  
Jared,

What do you want from me? Why me, is an even better question. What the hell got into you to just come up to me and introduce yourself?

Yeah, so far it's been good. And I wish it could stay this way. Yes, superficial is what I work best with. 

I know you said you've done this many times before, and I honestly can't understand why. 

I wish I knew what you wanted from me, so I could just decide whether I want to give it or not. And then I could decide if I wanted to be around you or not.

Jensen

A few days had passed and Jared hadn't heard from Jensen. Jensen even skipped a class, which only made Jared worry even more. He had started by leaving normal messages for Jensen – "hey, how are you, let's get together" – but his calls quickly became more frequent and more worried.

"Jen, it's Jared. Could you just give me a call and let me know that you're alright?"

Jared became almost frantic after Jensen had missed class, but he was stuck. He had no idea where Jensen lived or anyone else who could get in contact with him. "Jen, please," he begged into his voicemail. "I'm really, really worried about you. Please, please just call and let me know you're okay, even if you just leave me a voicemail. Just let me hear from you."

Now all Jared could do was to wait. He hated waiting.

September 16

I haven't felt like writing, though I know I should be.

I haven't talked to Jared in over three days. I even blew off one of my classes. Jared's been leaving me messages, asking me to just call and let him know that I'm okay, but I'm not, so how can I?

Sure, I'm okay physically, and I'm sure that's what he means. I'm not cutting, like I would have before. But everything's too raw, too close to the surface right now. I could never keep it to myself, and I'm in no way ready to tell Jared about all of this stuff.

It hurts so much this time of year. Having your heart stomped on again and again in such a short period – god, it's been two years already – but it feels like it was yesterday. Sam meant so much to me. He was the one who helped me through the decision to break up with Kevin. When I was wavering, he told me that this was what needed to happen. He told me he'd be waiting for me. That we could be happy. That we had a future together. 

When he told me that I was too emotionally dependent and that I needed to back off? It felt like a knife through my soul. It practically killed me. Why in the world would I want to put myself out there again, just to get thrown aside…no. No.

Yes, I'm skipping a session with you too, Tracy. I need to just sit with this, feel this, and then move on, just like every other year.

September 20

I should call Jared. He's stopped leaving messages for me – he's probably given up on me. But I should probably just let him know I'm not dead. I should go to class this week, too. I don't know.

September 21

Fine. I'll call him.

Jared jumped as his cell phone rang. He looked at the caller ID and couldn't believe the name he saw there. "Jensen?"

"Hey Jared."

"Where have you been? I've been so worried about you. I had no idea how else to get in contact with you and then when you didn't come to class…thank god you're okay."

"Sorry. This is…," he paused, "…a tough time of year for me."

"Is there anything I can help with?"

Jensen let out a short chuckle. "I appreciate the thought, but no. There's not really anyone who can help me with this."

"I'd like to try."

"It's okay. I'm okay." His voice lowered. "I'm sorry I worried you."

"I'm just glad you're okay. That's the most important thing. Will you be at class tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I think I will."

"I hope so. I've…well, I've missed you."

"Believe it or not, I've missed you too."

"Then why didn't you call?"

"I couldn’t. Please, just don't ask. I couldn't."

Jared hesitated, wanting to find out what was going on, but realizing that Jensen would only tell him when he was ready. "Okay, Jensen. So I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah. How about pizza after class?"

"Sounds good. Okay. Well…take care, Jensen."

"See you tomorrow, Jared." Just before he hung up, he said, "Thank you."

"Bye Jen."

He knew he needed to make another call. He had to call Tracy. He knew she would be worried, too, but wouldn't professionally say that. He called and left a message on her voicemail, telling her that he'd be there for their normally scheduled session. Then he settled in, watching TV to pass the night.

"Tracy, I’m a mess."

"Hey, Jensen, it's okay." She motioned for him to sit. "I'm not surprised, but it's okay."

"I'm sorry I cancelled. I had a hard enough time writing in my journal, much less talking about it."

"Why not just bring your journal in and read from it?"

"It wasn't going to work. I was stuck, just like the past two years."

"Why do you hang onto this? Why do you get stuck each year?"

"We've gone over this. Because I can't let it happen again. And I'm afraid it might be."

"Jared."

"He kept calling, leaving messages, asking where I was and asking me to just call and let him know I was okay. It took me eight days before I could call him back. He sounded really freaked. It was almost like…"

"Almost like?"

"Almost like he cared."

"He probably does. You've been spending time with him and when someone you've been spending time with disappears into thin air, it would only make sense he'd be worried. Have you looked at it from Jared's point of view? Does he know where you live?" Jensen shook his head. "Think back to when you were friends with Steve. What would you have done if he had stopped calling for a few days."

"I'd been pissed off," he answered. "I'd be over at his place banging on his door."

"Now think about what it would be like if you didn't know where Steve lived and you hadn't heard from him. Do you see?"

Jensen grew quiet as he contemplated this. "Wow. I'm kind of an ass, huh?"

"Well, I don't think that's the word Jared would use, but to be honest, yeah."

"I apologized to him when I called for making him worry. He said he wanted to help, but I told him there was really no way he could."

"You didn't bring your journal with you this week."

"No. I didn't think of it."

"I think you're trying to avoid what you've been feeling. That's what these sessions are all about. Teach you how to cope with these feelings." She made a couple of notes on her pad. "Think maybe writing in your journal might have helped things?"

"Maybe."

September 22

I don't want to talk about what happened today.

So I'm going to work on one of the prompts Mr. Ward has given us. Let's see.

Write your own eulogy. Well, I've written the suicide note more than once, so let's see about the eulogy.

~~Jensen Ross Ackles died today from heartbreak after losing a friend.~~

No.

Jensen Ross Ackles died suddenly at his home today.

Jensen had previously been a nurse at Manchester Hospital in Manchester, CT. He is survived by his mother and father, brother Josh, sister Mackenzie, his grandparents and several aunts and uncles.

Jensen was

Jensen helped

Damn it. I can't even figure out my own eulogy. What would people say about me? I'm alone, lonely and haven't achieved anything in my life, outside of pointing out the obvious, that I'm crazy. You can't put "He spent six weeks at a psychiatric hospital" in your eulogy. You can't put "a nurse who fucked himself up completely so he lost all of his friends". In the end (ha!) no one cares about your education or what you did for work or where you had been. 

This was a sucky prompt to try and write. I give up. At least for tonight.

Jensen didn't even realize he was crying.

Jensen took a deep breath before telling Tracy, "I'm thinking about getting back in touch with Steve."

"What prompted this?"

"I dunno. The stuff with Jared, maybe?"

"It just seems to be out of the blue."

"I miss Steve. More than I've been able to admit."

"I'm surprised, especially since you don't really talk about this."

"I want him to see I'm better. That I'm not that scared person who went into the psych hospital who wasn't in control of his emotions."

"Do you have any idea how he might react?"

"At this point? No, not really. Six months ago, maybe I'd have had some kind of idea, but now…well, I never expected him to stop talking to me, so I don't know what he might do now."

"While we're on the topic, have you heard from Chris?"

"Yeah, he called last week. He's doing well. Band's getting picked up all over the DC area. He's excited."

"Any chance he might be able to get up here?"

"Didn't ask. He's got his career to focus on."

"You know you're important to him."

"I've been thinking about maybe going down there, checking out the band one weekend."

"I'm sure Chris would be thrilled about that."

"Yeah. I'll have to see. Maybe while we're on break from class. Although I missed a class, I don't want to screw this up. I know it's not for a grade, but I did pay for this class and I want to make sure I get my money's worth for it."

"Do you think you are?"

"Yeah. It's really helped me write, and I think helping me deal with things."

"Good. I am really glad to hear that. I was kind of afraid you might think it was a waste."

"No, I have to admit…this was a good decision."

"Because of Jared?"

"Well, because I'm writing. Jared…well, Jared I guess is an added bonus."

Tracy smiled. "It's good to hear you say that." She put her pad down on the table. "Good work today, Jensen."

"Thanks, Trace."

"See you next week."

With a smile, Jensen left Tracy's office and headed home, where he would finally face a challenge he wasn't looking forward to – calling Steve.

Jensen walked into the classroom to find Jared already there. Jared came up to him and gave him a hug, then apologized. "Sorry, dude. I'm just really glad to see you. I was really kinda nuts and worried." Jensen apologized again to Jared. "Hey, don't worry about it. You're here and that's the important thing."

This was one of the classes where Mr. Ward requested that people read from their journals, working with the prompts he had suggested. He never forced anyone to read, but it was always interesting to see what other people worked with. Jensen didn't really work inside the prompts, only using the one prompt that didn't work out. But the class helped keep him on track. He did scribble down the ideas in case he got stuck again, but getting stuck was only a way to avoid what he needed to talk about. 

After class was dismissed, Jensen followed Jared home. Once they got there, Jared ordered the pizza and they got comfortable on the couch.

"So, do you ever use the prompts that Mr. Ward gives us?" Jared asked.

Jensen shrugged. "I tried to do one, and I had a really hard time with it."

"What do you write about then?"

Jensen hesitated. "Stuff."

"Well, of course, stuff. What kind of stuff?"

"Um, Jay…"

"Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to pry. I do that a lot, don't I?"

"Well, it's more because I don't like to talk. You're just asking regular questions."

"I find writing the prompt helps. Gives me a direction to work in. Sometimes it's hard to think of what to write. I mean, I could write about school, but that's why I'm taking the class. So I can journal more personal stuff. I want it to be a record of me where I am at this point in time." He smiled. "Know why I took this class?" Jensen shook his head. "One of my ex's kept a journal. It fascinated me. I never read it…I would never invade his privacy like that…but I found it interesting how he'd take the time, no matter what was going on, to spend that quiet time writing in his journal. I tried to ask him, too, what he wrote about, but he wanted to keep it to himself. He wasn't a private person for the most part, nothing like you, but these were his thoughts, and I kinda understood that once he explained it to me that way."

It was then when the doorbell rang, signaling the arrival of their pizza. "Why don't you get it, Jensen and I'll get the plates and stuff." Jensen nodded, paying the delivery guy and bringing the pizza into the living room. Jared brought in plates, knives and soda. They flipped on the TV and scanned the channels, landing on the History Channel, eating and talking about what they were watching. Once they were done eating, Jared cleared the plates away and they sat in a comfortable quiet. "Hey, pool?" Jared asked. Jensen nodded and they headed down to the furnished basement.

Again, they played best two out of three and while Jared had gotten close, Jensen still beat him. Jensen looked at the time after the last game. "Oh, I gotta bolt."

"Everything okay?"

"Oh, yeah. I, uh…I called Steve."

"Man, that's great!"

"Yeah. We're gonna go out to supper tonight. We have a lot to catch up on."

"Good deal. So, get together tomorrow?"

"Yeah, sure, that sounds good. I'll call you in the morning."

"Okay. Later, Jensen."

September 23

I did it. I finally did it. I called Steve.

It was so stupid of me not to call him sooner. He thought I was mad at him and I thought he was mad at me, and it turns out that he was just worried about me and trying to give me some space. He was shocked to hear that I had been suicidal and hurt that I hadn't talked to him about it. 

I feel so stupid. I thought he didn't want to talk to me, but he told me he didn't want to push me to talk about things I wasn't ready to talk about. He knew me that well, knew that I would only talk when I had figured it out.

Six months, wasted. How fucking stupid could I be?

At some point, I'll need to introduce Steve to Jared so that Steve can tell him what a handful I am. I think having Steve and Jared get to know each other might be a dangerous step, though. Two people, showing their concern…I don't know what I'd do.

Steve and I are going to get together later today. Nothing big, just supper…but it's gonna be nice. I think we can move forward from where we were when we stopped talking.

I wish there were a way to apologize to him.

September 23

Had a good time with Steve tonight. It was almost as if those six months hadn't existed. We talked and laughed like old times. We did get a little serious, him wanting to know if I was really all right and what the time in the hospital was like. I told him I missed him. He knew I didn't have many friends and he DID try to call when I got home but that was when I wasn't answering my phone, so after a little bit, he gave up, getting the message that I didn't want to talk to him. I told him how things had gone, okay for a little while then how things fell apart while I was there. I told him how my therapist had to leave on emergency medical leave and that my treatment went pretty much downhill from there, but that I was okay enough to be discharged after four weeks of outpatient treatment. Steve had thought about coming up to visit, more than once, but admitted that he felt uncomfortable and was afraid that it might show.

I told him about the class, although I didn't talk about what I was writing about, and I told him about Jared, which he was happy to hear about. He asked after Chris, and I told him how well he was doing.

We hit a bar after we finished eating, watching the baseball game, having a beer.

It was a really great night. When we left, I gave him a hug and told him that I had really missed him and he said he'd missed me too. 

I'm glad he's back in my life.

Once Jensen had begun to repair his friendship with Steve, Steve wanted to know more about Jared. Steve had noticed a bit of a difference in Jensen and could only assume it was because of the other man. Jensen also mentioned him occasionally in their conversations.

"Hey Jen?"

"Yeah?"

"How about you introduce me to Jared. I'd really like to meet him, you know, get to know him as another friend in your life. I mean, it's not like you have a ton to begin with. Besides, I need someone to help me whack some sense into you once in a while."

"I don't know, Steve. Jared is…"

"Yes?"

"Overly enthusiastic."

"So? He must be doing something right to be able to keep you as a friend."

"He doesn't really know much about me. Well,…"

"Yeah?"

"He kinda knows about you. Well, that you and I hadn't talked for a while, but not why. He doesn't know the real reason I'm not working. He thinks I'm just taking some time off." 

"So when are you going to tell him the truth?"

"NEVER!!" Jensen answered emphatically.

"Jen, he deserves to know."

"Well, he kinda knows that sometimes I hide."

"Great."

"Yeah, he wasn't thrilled about that. He didn't know how to contact me to make sure I was okay. He told me he was worried."

"Bet you didn't believe him."

"Nope. I didn't."

"So wait. You know his phone number and where he lives but he doesn't know anything about you?"

"He doesn't push me."

"There's a difference between not pushing and common courtesy."

"How long did it take you to get my phone number, Steve?"

"Not long – you were on the staff list."

"How long before you got my _personal_ number, not just my home number?

Steve grew quiet for a moment. "True."

"So he's not going to just show up out of nowhere and get my information."

"Not even your home number?"

"I wouldn’t have answered, so there was no point," Jensen said.

Steve sighed. "So what's Tracy think about this?"

"None of your god damn business."

"So, she's encouraging this. Good. Glad to know I'm not the only one."

"Look, I gotta go," Jensen said suddenly.

"Plans with Jared?"

"Uh…no. No…just have some stuff to do."

"Yeah. Okay, Jen, I'll let it go this time. I'm serious about wanting to meet him, though."

"We'll see. Later, Steve."

"Bye, Jen."

The next day, Jensen picked up subs and headed over to Jared's.

"Jay?" he called out.

"Hey, c'mon in! I'm in the kitchen, I'll be out in a sec."

Jensen put the subs down on the coffee table and sat. He had brought over a movie for them to watch and put it down on the table as well.

Jared entered the room. "Hey! How are you doing?"

"I’m doing okay…what's up with you?"

"Not much. Just cleaning up a little bit. Subs? Oh cool!" Jared had a habit of moving from one topic to another pretty quickly, which Jensen had finally gotten used to. They both grabbed a sub and began to eat. "So how did things go with Steve last night?"

"It went good. I didn't realize how much I missed him until we got past all the uncomfortable stuff and just fell back into our natural rhythm."

"That's awesome. Good for you."

"Yeah, actually, I want you to meet him, I think it would be fun for the three of us to hang out together."

"Absolutely! Any friend of yours, et cetera, et cetera. We should all go out one night, hit the bars."

"Well, hitting one bar would be cool. I’m not one for bar hopping."

"Okay, then. I know this great place just on the other side of town, the best wings in the city, promise."

"Cool! I'll call Steve later and we'll find out what days we've got free."

They finished their sandwiches and cleaned up. 

"Think you'll ever be able to trust me," Jared started out of nowhere.

"Huh?"

"Well, you know. I still don't know much about you. I don’t know what you're doing right now, I don't know why you're not working right now, I don't know much about your life outside of class and now about Steve. I know you're scared, but…,"

"But what? It's not like I know a ton about you either."

"Fair enough. What would you like to know?"

Jensen sat on the couch. What did he want to know about Jared? He had been thrown for a loop when Jared asked him; he didn't see this conversation coming. He looked hard at Jared. "You said your ex liked journals. What happened?"

Jared's face lit up. "Jason? Jason left me to play baseball. We met in our junior year. He was there on a baseball scholarship and I was here thanks to an academic scholarship. We got together. Then a couple of summers ago, Jason decided to leave school and get signed. He's in the minors right now, A-level ball, none of the glory or glamour, but he's having fun. We keep in touch. We just decided right now that it was just easier for us to break up. He's somewhere in the middle of Arizona. We keep in touch by e-mail."

"Think you'll ever get back together?"

"Nah. We weren't really sure if we were going to stay together or not. I knew what his life would be if he chose to stick with baseball, and I want more stability than that. I want to settle down, become a teacher like I've been planning, work with the talented and gifted. You can't build a good career if you're moving all over the place, and there's just too much uncertainty for me. I mean, he'll always be special to me. I know it sounds cliché, but I honestly mean it. For a brief time, I did think about giving everything up. But I just couldn't do it in the end. I wouldn't have been happy and he knew that and we didn't want to keep each other from being happy."

"Wow. How…healthy."

"Yeah, I’m lucky. Just like I was lucky with Sandy. I don't know what it is, but for some reason, they both ended really well."

"When did you date Sandy?"

"We got together freshman year. I had had a girlfriend in high school, but it was really more to just be accepted. We never had sex, hell, we barely kissed. But everyone was into group dating, you know, going out all together, so it just evened things up. And I gave Sandy a shot when I first got here, because it seemed to be the thing to do. I love Sandy, she's one of my best friends and I wish she hadn't moved to California, but like Jason, she needed to do what she needed to do."

"Why teaching?"

"Why not?" Jared laughed. "No, seriously. Remember I mentioned that my mom's a teacher? She's always been so passionate about it. She loves her kids, loves to work with them, loves to come home and talk about them. She teaches high school English. Not every person would like working with hormonal, moody teenagers, but for some reason, she's just able to get through to them. I want to love my job as much as her, and as I went along, I saw what teaching could be like. I want to work with little kids, kids who are just beginning. It's so awesome to see their faces when they just begin to understand things." He sat back from the edge of the couch. "Okay, your turn."

"What?"

"Why did you disappear for so long? Was it something that I did?"

"No. Like I said, September is a tough month for me."

"Why?"

"A lot of anniversaries. A lot of stuff, not so good stuff, happened in September about two years ago."

"And it still affects you?"

Jensen looked down at the floor. "Yeah. I don't let things go very easily."

"Sounds like it's something you should."

"Doesn't matter if it's good or bad. I can't let go."

"So you let it control your life."

Jensen looked up and hardened his gaze towards Jared. "That's not what happens."

"Seems like that's what happens."

"I gotta go," Jensen said suddenly.

"Hey, hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make it sound like that. Sometimes I don't know how to keep my mouth shut. I guess that's one of the reasons I journal, so it doesn't matter if I get wordy or if I don't know how to say something. C'mon, please don't leave."

Jensen looked towards the door. "This is hard enough for me as it is, Jared."

"I know, and I’m sorry," Jared said softly. "I told you I wouldn’t push you. It's just, I want to _know_ you, Jensen. I want to know who you are and what's happened to make you the way you are. There's nothing wrong with how you are, I just want to know why."

"I'm…," Jensen sighed. "I'm in therapy to help me deal with all of this."

"I'm glad to know you're getting some help. I'm glad you're able to talk to someone about what's going on. Of course, a friend wouldn't cost money – well, maybe you'd have to buy dinner once in a while, but you know." He smiled. "Is it helping?"

"Yeah. I would have been out of contact the whole month if it wasn't."

"I'm happy that's not the case. You know, you really had me worried. And I didn't know where you lived, so I couldn't even make sure you were alright. I can't even tell you how nuts I was."

Jensen ducked his head. "I really am sorry about that. Steve gets like that, too, but of course, he knows where I live so he can come stand outside my door and bang until I eventually _have_ to answer the door before someone calls the police."

"Can I come over sometime?"

"Yeah. I suppose it's only fair."

"You have a hard time with this, don't you?"

"With what?"

"Knowing that people are worried about you, that people care about you."

He let out a long sigh. "I can't see why. I'm not that important. People worry about me then get angry at me and then I can't deal with it." 

"You really don't see it?"

Jensen shook his head.

"I wish I could tell you. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. See what me and Steve see in you. I can't explain it to you. All's I can do is tell you there's something special about you."

"You don't understand."

"Explain it to me."

"I can't."

"You can't, or you won't?"

"What's the difference?" Jensen stood as he said this.

"Why can't you?" Jared also stood, trying to make sure Jensen didn't try to leave.

"Because I don't want to lose your friendship!" he shouted, and then clapped his hand over his mouth.

"Jensen, that's not going to happen, honest. If I was going to bail, I would have done it a long time ago."

"That's what HE told me!!" he cried out, his eyes glassy with unshed tears.

"Hey, hey," Jared's hand grabbed Jensen and pulled him down to the couch. He rubbed Jensen's arm. "Relax. Shhh. It's okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Jen. I didn't mean to keep pushing. I'm sorry." As Jared continued to rub his arm, he pushed the sleeve of his sweatshirt up and noticed thin white lines, on his arm, up and down from his wrist to his elbow. "Jen?"

Jensen noticed that Jared was looking down at the scars there. He pulled the sleeve of his sweatshirt back down to cover it. "Don't." He looked over towards the other side of the room as he tried to keep himself from crying. 

Jared continued to rub Jensen's arm, waiting for him to calm down. "Hey, you okay?"

Jensen closed his eyes and shook his head.

"What can I do?"

"Let me go."

"Can't do that, dude. You're in no shape to be driving right now."

"Bathroom?"

"Sure, go ahead." Jensen headed down the hall, rolling his eyes up continuing to keep himself from crying.

Jared sat on the couch, trying to figure out where to go from here. There was something just below the surface that Jensen needed to talk about, but for some reason, he just couldn't get it out. Jared had pushed more than he had wanted to, but this just seemed so fucking _important_ for Jensen to work through. But, he'd respect Jensen. If he wanted to leave when he got himself together, no matter how much Jared wanted him to talk, he'd let him go. Ten minutes passed and Jared was tempted to go tap on the door to check in with him, but realized right now was a critical time for Jensen. He finally heard the door open and Jensen's shuffling steps down the hallway. "Hey," Jared offered.

"I’m sorry, Jared. I shouldn't have gone off like that. I just…I'm not ready to go there yet."

"I don't want to push, but I'd really like to know what you're talking about."

"You've got to give me some space, Jared. I can't do this right now."

Jared stood up close to Jensen. He put his hand on Jensen's shoulder. "It's okay. Please forgive me. I really didn't mean to push you like that."

"You couldn't have known." Jensen pulled his shoulder away from Jared's touch. "Um, I think that maybe I should go for now. I need…I just need to go."

Jared nodded, trying to keep a hurt look off his face. "Whatever you need."

"I'll call."

"When?"

"I'll try to call tomorrow. Just don't push okay? I'll get in touch when I'm ready."

"Okay. Please take care of yourself."

Jensen gave him a short smile, then turned around and walked out.

September 24

Oh, god what a disaster. I knew, I just knew something like this was going to happen. I fell apart in front of Jared today. He just kept pushing and pushing and wouldn't stop! He wouldn’t let up, wanting to know why I am the way I am. How can I explain, make him understand, I'm really not that important, that he's got other things that I'm sure are more important for him to focus on. 

God, I came so close to telling him. So close. And then I almost cried! 

He wanted me to explain it, and I could almost see it in his eyes that he wouldn't leave. He challenged me, asking me if I couldn't or if I wouldn't. It was both, but I couldn't tell him that because I was too upset, couldn't put my words together even if I had needed to. I just got so upset and flustered and all's I wanted to do was run away from there. Jared wouldn't let me, told me that I wasn't in any shape to drive. And he was right, I have to give him that. But he also gave me time to calm down, alone. He didn't have to do that.

Now…I can't believe I'm going to say this…part of me kinda wants to tell him what happened. Give him the last chance to back away. I wonder what would happen. Would he really throw me out of the house and tell me not to come back? He keeps saying he won't, but as I've mentioned numerous times, I've heard that before and it wasn't meant. And I can't go through that with Jared. I like him. I know, I know. It's an admission I shouldn't make. But I like him. I kinda like him a lot. I wish he'd just take me at face value. It'd be so much easier. Maybe…maybe…

Jared heard a knock on the door. When he opened it, he found Jensen on the other side. "Hey!"

"Um, hey. Can I…can I come in?"

"Of course you can. You're always welcome here, Jensen. Always."

"I'm really sorry about earlier tonight. I wasn't…,"

"It's okay, Jen. I'm surprised to see you back here."

"To be honest, I'm surprised to be back here."

"Want a drink?"

"I would _love_ a drink."

"What can I get you?"

Jensen was torn. He wanted alcohol in the _worst_ way. He knew he shouldn't, but also knew he'd never get through this without it. He snapped to decision. "Wanna do some tequila shots?"

"Sounds like a plan. I've even got limes." Jared went into the kitchen, getting the salt, limes, tequila and shot glasses. He put them down on the table and poured the first shots. "To…,"

"To friends," Jensen offered.

Jared smiled. "Friends." They both did the first shot straight, then fell into the pattern of salt, tequila and lime. "So I still don't understand why you came back."

"Well, I went home and did some writing. That's partially what I use my journal for, to write things out before I share them with anyone. And the more I sat there and wrote, the more I started to think that maybe I wanted to take this chance, maybe I wanted to see if I could trust you. I don't know what it is about you, Jared. I haven't felt like this in a very long time. I haven't felt like I could talk about anything I needed to talk about. Even my therapist Tracy doesn't hear everything. As a matter of fact, when I disappeared, I canceled my appointment with her as well. I pretty much just locked myself into my apartment."

"That's not the way to deal with things, Jen."

"Yeah, I know. And I got an earful from her the next time I saw her. She knew, though. I've been with her long enough for her to know what my patterns are like. I have a real problem asking for help when things are rough. I need to handle things on my own, in my own time…as you've seen." Jared nodded. "I close in on myself when I feel like I can't deal, when I can't talk. Other than the people involved, only two other people know what happened." He paused. "Think you can handle being number three?"

"Do you want me to be?"

Jensen sat and looked at Jared for a minute. "Yeah," he said. "I think I do." He took two shots, and then a deep breath. "I was in the middle of a breakup with my boyfriend. We'd been together for three years, but things started falling apart about two years in. He's an EMT. He'd spend hours at the ambulance corps, hanging out with his friends. And I'd be at home, wondering where in the hell he was, not doing anything until he came home. I'd call when he said he'd be home and he promised he'd be home within the hour most of the time, but then a call would come in, or they'd lose track of time or whatever. So I'd wasted my entire day waiting for him and he didn't think twice about it. If I had lunch or something because I wasn't expecting him to be home, of course he'd come home and then he'd ask me why I didn't wait for him." Jensen took another sip. "The worst was, one time we were going out to dinner and he had his radio on. There was a call, a big accident and he took me on the call with him. I had to sit in the car for an hour and a half while he played EMT. By the time he came back, I was almost ready to tell him that I didn't want to go out to dinner, but he thought that would be a way to apologize to me."

"Wow. Why did you stay with him so long?"

"I was comfortable. It was scary to think of leaving. I didn't want to upset things. Plus, I was afraid I'd never be able to find anyone who could love me again. It was too easy to stay in the patterns we were in.

"Something changed. I couldn’t do it anymore. And then I met someone. And he changed my life, turned things upside down."

"How so?"

"We fell in love and it was nothing like what Kevin and I had. He promised he'd be there with me during the breakup, supporting me, helping me as much as he could. I could cry and vent and rage at him, and he would just listen to me."

"What happened?"

He let out a long sigh. "I went down to stay with him while Kevin, my ex-boyfriend, moved out of the house. We had a big party, lots of people who we all knew from online, people we didn't see very often. It was a great weekend, one of the best I've ever had. But then, once everyone left, he told me I was too emotionally dependent on him and that I needed to back off." Jared could see Jensen starting to tear up. "After living with Kevin for three months after breaking up, being down there the weekend he was moving out, he tells me this. There literally wasn't a worse time that he could tell me this. I wanted to go home in the worst way, but I knew what would await me there if I did. I'd have to deal with Kevin and his moving out and that was just going to be ugly. So I stayed there, miserable for the rest of the time I was there. I was ignored part of the time. And goddamn it hurt so much. So fucking much."

"Jensen, can I give you a hug?"

Jensen gave a brief nod. Jared stood up, and then helped Jensen up. Jared pulled Jensen into a soft hug, not too tight. He slowly rocked Jensen back and forth, then said, "I'm so sorry, Jensen. I'm so sorry that happened to you. It makes sense now why you don't want to make friends. That's terrible. I'm so sorry."

Jensen tried to hold back his tears – he _never_ cried in front of anyone, not even Tracy, but found himself unable to with Jared warm against him. Whether Jared noticed or not, he didn't say anything. Jared just continued to rock him gently, running his fingers through Jensen's hair and telling him that everything was going to be okay. As Jensen's tears stopped, Jared ended the hug and grabbed the Kleenex from the table and handed a couple to Jensen who quickly wiped the drops from his cheeks. 

"Wow. Now I see why it was so tough for you to tell me and why you're scared of making friends."

"I'm not usually this much of a mess."

"Hey, it's okay. That sounds like it was a really tough time. I can't imagine people turning on you like that, especially people who say they love you."

"It took me a long time to realize that he has no idea what love is. It just…it hurt so much. And he was the last person I made friends with. Since then…I just can't. I can't."

"You're doing a pretty good job with me. See? Told you I wasn't going anywhere. And none of that was your fault. Don't ever, ever think that."

"Can we stop talking for a little bit?"

"Sure, sure. I know this has been tough for you." Jared smiled like someone had told him he just won the lottery. "Jen, can I say something to you?"

"I don't know," Jensen said with a small smile. "Depends on what you want to say."

"Nothing bad, I promise."

"Okay, go ahead."

"Jen, I have to tell you and I hope you'll really listen. I know you'll have a hard time with this."

"Go ahead."

"You're an incredible person, Jen. So freakin' incredible." Jared grabbed Jensen's hand. 

"I don't like crying in front of others. I rarely do it. But, I have to admit…I felt….safe with you. I felt like it was okay. That you wouldn't throw me out."

"Never," Jared answered. "There's nothing you can tell me that would want me to do that." Jared took a sip of coffee. "There's more that I want to tell you, but I don't know if I should."

"You're scaring me a little, Jared."

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to." He squeezed Jensen's hand. "I know we haven't known each other long, but you are so important to me. I can tell how much you've been hurt, and god, I just want to take all of that away from you. I want to show you how incredible friends can be. I want to show you what an incredible friend I can be to you. I want…," Jared stopped.

"What? What do you want?"

"You. I want to show you how special you are, how you deserve so much more than you've been given in the past. I think…," Jared took a deep breath, "I think I might be falling for you."

"What?" Jensen answered, pulling his hand away. _Oh, god, no. No, please don't let him say that. I can't._

"I'm sorry, Jen. I can't hide this, though. I want to be with you. I want to be right next to you all the time. I want to protect you, keep you feeling safe, make you feel special, just make you happy, however you'll let me."

"I…oh, god, Jared…I can't…" Jensen stood up and began to pace. "Jared, no, please don't say that. Please, no."

"Jen, why not?"

"I can't. Jared, you can't even understand. There's so much more you don't know about me. I'm so much more broken than you can even imagine. You've just hit the tip of the iceberg. No, Jared, you can't feel like that about me. No, not at all. Please, don't. If it means I have to leave, I will. But you can't. I'll only make your life hell."

Jared stood and moved in front of Jensen, holding him still. "Jen, I don't care. You could tell me anything, and I wouldn't care. I want to know you. I want to know all of you; everything there is to know about you. Please, Jensen, please let me. And let me fall for you."

"I gotta go. I can't do this. No, I can't. I can't." He moved around Jared and headed to the door. 

Jared put his hand lightly on Jensen's shoulder and pulled him back into a hug. "Jen, I will never, ever push you. I will be here for you in any way you want. All's I want is to be in your life, and to be your friend if nothing else."

Jensen backed out of the hug. "I gotta go, Jared. I can't stay."

Jared tried to hold back his disappointment. "Please don't be mad at me."

"I…I…sorry, Jared." Jensen ripped open the door and for the second time of the day, ran out to his car.

September 24, evening

No. No. No. This can't be happening. No. Oh, god, it's all going to fall apart. Jared says he's falling for me.

He's got no idea what he's saying. He's got no idea what else he doesn't know. He doesn't know how damaged I am, and when he finds out, he's going to want nothing to do with me. I can't do this.

Yes, I want him. I won't deny that. He is one of the most incredible people I've ever met, so open, so caring and he loves affection. Affection. I haven't had that in so long. I can't even remember the last time I got a hug, even from my family. And god, that hug felt so good. So warm and so caring.

He can't. I can't let him. I can't let him into my world like that. He doesn't deserve to know that darkness. I've got to push him away. I know, I know, I'm not supposed to do that, but still, I need to. Better to hurt him now than to hurt him when he's more involved. It's got to end now.

God, this sucks. I want Jared to be in my life. I think I might even be falling for him myself. But no, he can't. There's too much darkness, too much hell that I will put him through.

"He's falling for me, Trace. Falling for me. I can't let that happen."

"Why not?"

"Because he doesn't know. He doesn't know what I am. He doesn't know what could happen. He doesn't know that I could make his life hell."

"Could, Jensen. That's the operative word. Could. You don't know that that would happen. You don't know what will happen. Maybe you'll be stable for the rest of your life. And if that's the case, why don't you deserve to be with him? Why don't you deserve to share your life with someone?"

"No, Trace. No. I'll fuck it up. I know I will. I always do. Look what happened with Kevin."

"What happened with Kevin wasn't all your fault. He had his problems and issues. It took both of you to break the relationship. And you got out when things got bad. You can't entirely blame yourself for that."

"What if I do something like that to Jared? I'd never be able to live with myself, hurting someone so incredibly open and caring."

"Who's to say that you will hurt him? It's this negative outlook, Jensen, that's the 'what-if'. Why not give it a shot? Why not take that chance? You took the chance with being his friend."

"I can't lose him as a friend. I can't. I need him now."

"Then tell him the truth. Tell him what's going on."

Jensen got up and began to pace. Tracy had never seen him so worked up before. 

"Jensen. Jensen, sit down."

"I can't. I've gotta move."

"Jensen, maybe you need to take some medication."

"Ugh. I hate taking medication. I hate the way it makes me feel."

"You need something to calm you down. You're way too wired right now. You're stressed, and you know what that means for you."

"I gotta go, Trace. I gotta figure out. I gotta…," Jensen took a breath. "I've gotta tell him. I've got no choice. He's going to hate me. He's going to tell me he doesn't want anything to do with me again."

"Jensen. Please, take a couple of deep breaths and sit. Don't hyperventilate, though." Jensen finally sat. "You're always going to be at risk…for getting hurt and for hurting someone else. But truthfully, I think if Jared is as great a person as you've said he is that he's going to take this in stride and want to help you as much as he can. If you'd like, once you tell him, you can bring him into a session so that you can talk about it with someone to help you explain."

"Yeah, yeah, that might be a good idea." He paused. "Okay, Trace. I've got to go. I've got to go tell him."

"Tell him at your pace, Jensen. Don't make him push you and don't push yourself if you're not ready. You need to be ready for this. This is going to change a lot of things."

"I know. Trust me, I know. Okay. Okay. I'm going. I'm going to go over there now."

"Call me later if you need to. You know that it's okay."

"I…might. We'll see."

"Take care, Jensen. Relax. It's going to be okay. I think it's going to go better than you think."

"I hope so." With that, Jensen walked out of the office and hopped in his car. There was only one place that he was going now. He needed to go right this second, or else he'd lose his nerve.

He pulled up in front of Jared's house, ran up the stairs and began to bang on the door. "Jared? Jared?" he yelled. "Jared, are you in there?"

After a moment, the door opened, Jared looking disheveled, but a smile crossing his face almost as soon as he saw Jensen. 

Jensen threw himself into Jared's arms. "We need to talk."

"Okay. How about we sit down?"

"Jay. I've got to do this. And I'm scared to death that you're going to not want anything to do with me, but I have to do this. And hope to god that you won't turn me away."

"Jen, I've already told you it doesn't matter."

"Okay." Jensen took a deep breath. "I'm so scared that this is going to ruin your life, that I'm going to be dragging you through my hell."

"Jen, just tell me."

"I was hospitalized about 9 months ago, because I had a breakdown. That's why I'm not working right now. That's why I'm on break. Well, I mean, I did get suspended, but once I got suspended, everyone pushed me to be hospitalized. I spent six weeks there."

"What kind of breakdown? Like…psychotic?"

"No! No, not like that. It was depression. I was suicidal."

"Are you…taking medication?"

"Yes."

"What happened to your arms, Jen?"

Jensen closed his eyes. "I used to cut myself. During and after the break up."

"Jen, god, I'm so sorry." He gently put his hand on Jensen's cheek. "It doesn't change anything, Jen. So you've been hospitalized for depression. So you're on meds. So you've hurt yourself in the past. It's okay. I can handle that. I'll help however I can. I'll do anything you need me to do."

"Jay, Jared. I'm falling for you, too."

Jared's eyes lit up like a kid's at Christmas. "Really?"

Jensen nodded. "But I had to tell you about this before I could tell you."

"And I'm glad you did, but it doesn't change anything. I still want to be whatever you need me to be. I want to be in your life and help you in any way I can."

Jensen made eye contact with Jared. "Would you…"

"What, Jen?" Jared asked softly.

"Would you kiss me?"

Jared pulled Jensen closer, kissing him softly, just a press of lips at first. Jared licked at Jensen's bottom lip, asking for entrance. Jensen opened his mouth just enough for Jared to slide his tongue in, beginning to explore the inside of Jensen's mouth. As the kiss grew deeper, Jared and Jensen both moaned quietly. They pulled apart to breathe.

"I want you, Jared. I want to be with you. I want you to be with me. If you think you can handle it."

"I think I can. We'll get through it together." He kissed Jensen briefly. "I'm going to make sure that you always know how important, how beautiful, how special you are and how much you deserve to be loved. You deserve good things, Jensen. And I want to be the one to give them to you."

"Jay, I'm scared. I'm going to be upfront with you. I'm going to freak out. It's going to happen, I know it will."

"And we'll deal with that when it happens. Jensen, I want this. I want to try and make this work."

"I do, too."

"I really think this could be something amazing, Jen."

"Yeah, me too."

September 25

I told him. And he wants me still. We didn't say the "l" word yet, and that's okay, but, god, he's amazing. And he wants to show me how amazing I am. I still think he's wrong, I don't think I'm that special, but he's said he wants to give me the world. And you know what? I think I just might be ready to let someone do that.

It had been two days since Jensen's admission to Jared. Jensen was still scared, after all, it wasn't until after things got going that Sam had devastated him. But he felt something different with Jared. He was sure Sam wouldn't hurt him, but somewhere deep down inside, he knew something wasn't right. But it hadn't been that way with Jared. Jared was just…Jared. There was nothing fake or false about him.

"Hey, Jen."

"Yeah."

Jared came over and sat on the couch with a book on his lap. "This is my journal. I want you to read it. I want you to see how I felt about you as time went on. Maybe this will help you understand."

"Are you sure you want to do this? I can't share my journal. It's not in me to do it."

"It's okay. I trust you," Jared smiled. "I wouldn't tell you I want you to read it if I didn't. I want you to know me. Please."

Jensen nodded. "If this is what you want."

"It is. Do you want to bring it home?"

"Is that okay?"

"Sure thing." Jared handed him the book and briefly kissed Jensen. 

"I'll be back. Tomorrow, okay?"

"Take your time. I know you're not going anywhere."

 

Jensen got home and made himself comfortable on the couch. He couldn't believe Jared had asked him to read his journal. Jensen didn't think he'd ever be able to let anyone read his journal, not even Jared. He understood the amount of trust that Jared had in him. It was an incredible feeling. No one had ever made him feel this way.

September 6

Spent time with Jensen today. I can't imagine what it's like to only have one friend to count on, especially when that friend is over 500 miles away on a good day. It seems like there's so much more below the surface and I don't know how to get there yet. He said he's been hurt a lot. I got that sense when I saw him sitting there alone in the classroom. I wish I could do something to show him that I really do want to be friends with him and want him to open up to me. That in order to make a friend, you have to risk yourself, but that's not always a bad thing. How do you teach someone who has been hurt how to trust?

I'm going to keep trying, though. I've said it before – I really think he's going to be worth it.

September 10

Write a letter that you know you won't send. Write it to anyone you want.

Jason or Jensen? Both.

Jason,

I'm so happy that you're doing what you love. I miss you, even if we're not together anymore.

I can't wait to see you finally in the major leagues. I can say I knew you when. 

Did you really love me, Jason? Or was I something that was just convenient for you? I always wondered, a little bit. It never seemed to be as important to you as it was to me. 

Do you think about me now? Or are you lost out in Arizona, finding someone else, maybe someone on the road, maybe someone on your team to be with?

I'll probably always think of you. I don't think you knew that you were my first gay relationship and I don't think you knew how important it was to me. But, we both did what we needed to do, didn't we?

Best of everything to you. You deserve nothing less.

Jared  
\-----  
Jensen, 

I know how hard it must have been for you to open up, even that little bit to me. I am so honored that you were able to share even that little bit.

I find you fascinating and you have no clue, do you? Fascinating enough to sketch you. I didn't set out to sketch you, I was just doodling, but then your face just popped up into my head. Your profile, your eyelashes, your nose, your freckles, your lips…and I just had to see if I could do you justice. We'll find out when I see you next and look at my sketch, but I’m pretty sure that I'll be close.

I really hope you'll give me a chance, because I think this could be a good thing for both of us. I think it could be good for me, as most people I meet are and I think it'll be good for you, help bring you out of your shell a little bit.

I'm hoping that some day I won't have to write you a note that I won't send you. I’m hoping that we can talk and I can tell you what I'm thinking without freaking you out. What do you say?

Jared

September 12

God, I want to know Jensen from the inside out. I want to know everything about him. I want to know what makes him smile, what makes him sad, what makes him angry, what he thinks, just everything. No one's interested me this much in a long time, not since Chad. He blushed when he saw my sketch of him. I want him to open up to me. I know I keep saying that, and I know I keep saying that I know there's more under the surface. I want him to trust me. I want to show him he can trust me. Maybe spending time with him and talking tomorrow will show him. I'm a little surprised he agreed, but damn, did it make me happy.

He said that if he didn't know any better, he'd think I was obsessed with him. I think he might be right.

September 15

I don't know what to do. Jensen hasn't been around for the past couple of days. The last time I saw him, I thought everything was going okay. We had a good afternoon, he said he'd missed me, which was something I never thought I'd hear him say, and we had a couple of good games of pool – I lost, of course. And now, I haven't heard from him since then. This has got me worried.

Of course, I have no idea where he lives, so it's not like I can go over there and check on him. What if he's not at class tonight? God, what if something's happened to him? I'd have no way to find out, no way to know. I've been leaving him messages, asking him to just call me back, let me know he is okay. I'm not even looking to have him talk to me directly. 

I haven't been scared like this in a while. I hope he's okay.

September 21

Thank god! Jensen finally called to let me know he's okay. He said that this is a difficult time of year for him, but really didn't go into specifics. He apologized and said again that he missed me. I hope whatever's bothering him has been figured out.

September 24

Jensen finally opened up to me. Wow. He's been through hell and back. How people could treat him like that, betray him like that when he needed them the most? I almost wish I knew who they were so that I could beat the snot out of them for being so…heartless.

Jensen's incredible. He's been through so much. No wonder he's so scared. 

He let me hug him today I just had to, after he told me about the person who crushed him so completely. I asked, wanting to make sure it was okay. And I just put my arms around him and held him and rocked him. He wound up crying. I'm so honored. I get the feeling that he doesn't cry around just anyone. He felt so good in my arms, his body right up against mine. He was heat and softness and just…yeah, perfect. He belonged…belongs…in my arms. He deserves so much more than he has gotten, and he's so screwed up that he doesn't think so. I wonder what will help him. I wonder how I can get him to feel better about himself.

If I'm being honest with myself…I think today is the day I started falling for him. And I don't know if there's anyway to get back up. I just want to take all that sadness and hurt away from him. Jensen doesn't deserve that. He deserves someone to love him for the beautiful person he is. I can't ruin this though. I think this could be really amazing if I give it the time and the chance.

September 25

Jen, I want you to read this. I want you to read what I've thought about you all along. I'd like to hope that you might share your journal with me at some point, but right now all's I want you to share is my life.

I love you, Jensen.

"Hey Tracy."

"Jensen, nice to see you. How're you doing?"

"Sorry I missed last session. It wasn't on purpose, I really did have a migraine. I actually wanted to see if you had time for me between then and now, because I should tell you what's going on."

"So, do tell."

"He says he loves me, Trace."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. It's been an intense couple of days. Lots of emotional stuff, but in the end, I was able to tell him. And I told him everything. I told him about my hospitalization, my cutting and my depression, I told him about Kevin and Sam. And he still wants me."

"What brought this about?"

"He kept pushing. A lot like you, really. We sat down last week and kept asking about me. I asked him some questions about him, because I really didn't know much about him, either, and the way he just opened up. He just started answering and talking and it was like he _enjoyed_ talking about himself. And he's got all these good memories, all of his relationships have ended on good notes. It kinda made me jealous."

"Because it wasn't you."

"Yeah." He paused. "But once told me a bit about himself, he started pushing to get stuff out of me. I couldn't do it at first, I just couldn't talk. He upset me so much when he was pushing, to the point where he wouldn't let me leave, because I was in no shape to drive. He was asking me why I disappeared, wanting to know why September was hard for me. Nothing like starting with the easy questions, huh?"

"And yet you went back."

"Yeah. I wrote in my journal, and it was at that point I realized…that I did want him to know. That it was important for me to tell him, to trust him. He'd been so open and trusted me so much. It felt like that trust needed to be returned."

"And you weren't scared?"

"I was scared to freakin' death. I was waiting for him to kick me out. But he didn't. We had some tequila shots, which helped a little with my courage…yeah, yeah, I know I shouldn't have really done that. But I started talking and just continued. The next thing I know, he knows all of the important things."

"Good for you, Jensen. This is the most progress you've made outside of the breakup since you've been in therapy."

"He wanted me to read his journal, see what he thought of me from the beginning. It was…weird. It's weird to see how someone else sees you. And he kept saying he wanted to know all about me and that he thought we could have something really amazing."

"So you read it?"

"Yeah."

"So do you think you'll let him read yours?"

Jensen shook his head. "No. Not anytime soon. It's still too personal."

"Well, there's no need to rush things. At your own pace."

"Yeah. I know that now."

"Congratulations, Jensen. You've done some excellent work."

He stood. "Thanks so much for everything, Trace. I never would have gotten here without you."

She smiled. "I'm glad you've been able to get this far. It's exciting to see you like this."

"I'll catch you next week."

"Take care, Jensen."

At the very bottom of Jared's last entry, Jensen wrote:

Jared –

Thank you.

I love you too.

It had been three months since their first kiss – Jared was a sucker for anniversaries like this, especially right after Christmas – and Jared had learned that baby steps was the best way to go with most anything with Jensen.

While Jared was thrilled they were together, he'd sometimes get frustrated at the speed things were moving. He knew he had to be careful, that he could jeopardize what they had, but he knew that moving forward was worth waiting for, as it had been in the past.

For their anniversary, Jared spent all day cooking dinner for Jensen. He had been able to talk Steve into getting Jensen out of the house so that Jared would be undisturbed. With some consultation with his momma, he made thick rib eye steaks marinated in teriyaki sauce, baked potatoes and ears of corn all on the grill. Luckily, everything fell together and Jensen arrived home just as everything was done cooking.

"Wow. This looks great, Jay. Thank you." They both dug in and heartily enjoyed Jared's grill mastery.

Jensen helped Jared clear off the table and wash the dishes. Once everything was cleared away, they snuggled together on the couch. As had become custom, they started with a slow makeout session. Jensen liked this better than just about anything. Jared was the best kisser in the world.

As with everything, their physical relationship had moved slowly as well. They had worked from hand jobs up to blow jobs, but Jared didn't push. He wanted Jensen to feel comfortable every step of the way.

As things got more heated, Jared took Jensen's hand and led him to the bedroom. They lay down facing each other, kissing hard, breathless. Jared moved his mouth along Jensen's jawline up to his earlobe. Jared had learned early on that Jensen's earlobe was one of his hot spots. He sucked and nibbled and Jensen started to pant as Jared's hand slipped down over Jensen's chest. "Off," Jared whispered and helped Jensen out of his t-shirt.

"You too," Jensen mumbled. "Wanna see you." Jensen helped Jared unbutton his shirt and throw it over on the laundry pile. He shimmied out of his jeans and helped Jensen out of his pants as well. "God, Jay, so beautiful. Always so goddamn beautiful."

Jared went back to sucking on Jensen's earlobe, his hand reaching down to play with Jensen's nipples. "Love you so much, Jen," he whispered into his ear. He began to suck down Jensen's neck, feeling Jensen's hands moving on his back. He moved down to Jensen's shoulder, biting gently, marking Jensen. While Jensen would never admit it, he loved when Jared would mark him, as long as it wasn't visible. Jared ran his hands down Jensen's flank, moaning at the feel of Jensen's skin under his hands. He suddenly pulled back. "Jen?"

Jensen kissed him deeply. "What, Jay?"

"Jen, baby, look at me."

Jensen met Jared's eyes. "Yes?"

"Let me make love to you. I want you so much. Please, Jen."

Jensen hesitated. "You know that I'm getting more comfortable…"

"Jen, I promise it'll be good. I'll make it the best it's ever been for you."

Jensen's mouth crashed into Jared. "Yes, Jay. Make love to me."

"Gonna show you how much I love you, Jen," he whispered into his ear, going back to sucking on his earlobe. His hand slid down over Jensen's chest, over his abs, down to his cock. He ran his hand under Jensen's boxers and began to slowly stroke him. "Gotta tell me, Jen, what you want. I want to make sure that you feel good. I want to hear you."

"God, Jay. Love you." He began to thrust into Jared's hand. "You have…something?"

"Yes." He rolled towards the side of the bed, pulling a condom and lube out of the drawer. "All prepared."

"What a boy scout," Jensen said with a laugh.

Jared kissed down Jensen's chest, licking as he went. "Such beautiful skin," Jared moaned. He kissed each of the scars on Jensen's arms. "Never again, baby. Promise me."

Jensen looked up directly into Jared's eyes. "I promise. Never again."

Jared slid Jensen's boxers down and began to place wet, open mouthed kisses down over his abdomen and over the trail of hair that led from his navel down to his groin. Jared moved his mouth down and began to suck on Jensen's cock, pulling just the head in and licking at the slit. 

Jensen's hand twisted through Jared's hair. "Jay, yes, babe, just like that." With that encouragement, Jared sucked him all the way down. Jensen couldn't help himself from bucking his hips up into Jared's mouth. "Stop, stop, Jay, gonna come," he gasped. "Wanna come with you in me. Please."

Jared moved back up to Jensen's mouth, crashing them together, tongues dueling for dominance. "Now, Jay. Please."

Jared reached for the lube. "Gonna open you up nice and slow. Need to tell me if I'm going too fast, okay?"

Jensen nodded as he watched Jared pour some lube onto his hand. Jared ran his finger down the middle of Jensen's cock, down over his balls and slid back to his entrance. He rubbed a finger down around the puckered muscle, relaxing him. He began to slide his first finger inside Jensen, just the tip, then pushing in deeper. "You okay?"

"Mmmmm, yeah. Good," Jensen nodded as his breath sped up.

Jared slicked up a second finger and leisurely slid his finger next to the first. "Still okay?" Jensen nodded, too out of breath to do much more than moan.

Jared kissed Jensen's stomach, licking into his navel as he slid the third finger inside him and began to twist and scissor to open him up. Then he found that sweet spot inside Jensen. "Oh, fuck, yes! Just like that! Don't stop, god, Jay don't stop." Jared grinned to himself. This is what he wanted to see – Jensen falling apart in his hands.

"Are you ready, baby?"

"Now, Jay. Want you inside me so much."

Jared ripped open the condom packet and rolled the condom on. He grabbed the lube again and slicked himself up. "Which way?"

"Need to see you, please," he begged.

Jared kissed him deeply. "You need to tell me if I need to stop," he reminded Jensen. "Love you so much, Jen." Jared settled himself between Jensen's legs, lined himself up and pushed slowly. 

The groan that came out of Jensen's mouth was downright obscene. "Wait, wait a sec."

Jared stopped pushing. "Are you okay?" Jared asked, voice tinged with panic.

"Yeah, just…just need a minute. Just don't move for a minute."

"Okay, baby." It was killing Jared not to thrust, but Jensen's safety and comfort came first. "Do you want me to pull out?"

"No!" Jensen answered. "Okay, go ahead, _slowly_."

Jared inched inside Jensen, running his hand down over Jensen's chest and abs. "Okay?"

Jensen nodded. "Yeah." He smiled. "Love you, babe. Love you so much." Jared moved in for another deep kiss as he bottomed out inside Jensen. After a minute, Jensen encouraged him, "Go ahead, move."

Jared began to slide in and out starting with slow thrusts, hitting Jensen's prostate every couple of strokes. "How's it feel? Let me hear you, babe."

"So good, Jay. Faster, please," he asked as he pulled Jared's mouth down for a hungry kiss. Jared started to move faster, holding onto Jensen's hip to anchor himself. "Feel perfect inside me. Never felt like this before." Jared's mouth found Jensen's again, kissing deeply, running his fingers through Jared's hair, holding his head there as Jared continued to thrust inside Jensen. "Fuck, Jay, yes, yes," he groaned as Jared began hitting his prostate on each thrust. Jared began to stroke Jensen until Jensen pushed Jared's hand away. "Wanna come from just your cock. Got me so hot, Jay. Keep going," Jensen begged.

Jared sped up his thrusts as Jensen writhed and moaned underneath him. "Oh, god Jen, love you, love you, come for me, baby, come for me!"

The pleasure curled through Jensen's body, pooling in his spine, just before his orgasm ripped through him. He grasped onto Jared's thighs as he came hard, covering his stomach and chest. "Jared, need to feel you! Come, babe!"

Jared lost his rhythm and his cock pulsed as he came into the condom. He worked Jensen through the aftershocks before gently pulling out. He took care of the condom and went into the bathroom to get a wet cloth to clean Jensen. Once he finished, he pulled Jensen into his arms.

Jensen tenderly kissed Jared's chest. "That was…"

"…Beyond incredible," Jared finished. He kissed the top of Jensen's head. "Thank you."

"For?"

"Letting me make love to you. Letting me remind you how fantastic it can be. I've never felt closer to anyone."

"I love you, Jared," Jensen said softly.

"I love you too, baby."

Jensen curled into Jared and, while whispering soft endearments, held him until he drifted off to sleep.

December 28

Jared made love to me tonight for the first time. It was so incredible. He took such good care of me, made it so awesome. It's never been this good for me before, not with Kevin and not with Sam. He made me feel safe and wanted and loved. I forgot what that feels like. Like I'm the only person in the world who matters. And when we're together, that's what he makes me feel like. That I'm the only person in his world. I can't put into words how much that means to me or what it feels like for me. I just know I love him, and I know that he loves me.

_December 31st_

For New Year's Eve, Jensen decided that it might finally be time for Steve to meet Jared. Jared had invited them over for dinner and then they were going to head out to one of the clubs to pass the night.

Jensen and Steve stood outside Jared's door after Jensen had knocked. Jensen bounced with anxiety and energy, wondering what it would be like for one of his best friends to meet his boyfriend.

"Relax," Steve told him. "Everything's going to be fine. From everything you've said, we're gonna get along famously."

Jensen rolled his eyes. "That's what I'm afraid of."

Jared opened the door and pulled Jensen in for a kiss. After letting go of Jensen, Jared extended his hand to Steve. "Nice to finally meet you, Steve. I hear we have at least one thing in common."

Steve smiled. "Do I do the best friend, 'if you hurt him, I'll kill you' speech now?"

Jared let out a booming laugh. "Well, how about you come in from the porch at the very least."

"Sounds like a plan," Jensen answered.

"Beer, guys?" Jared asked as he walked through the house.

"Sure, that'd be great," Steve replied.

Jared brought three bottles of beer out with him and set them on the table. He looked at Jensen who looked like he was debating whether to drink the beer or not. "Baby, one beer's not going to kill you. You're with us, it's okay."

"Oh, please. Jensen, knock it off. Like you've never had a beer when we've been out," Steve reminded him.

They all opened their beers and toasted to new friends and a new year. "Want a quick tour of the place, Steve?"

"Sure!" Steve replied light-heartedly. Jared walked him quickly around his place, Steve also noticing the pool table. "You guys up for some pool?" Steve asked with a smile.

"How about after we eat? Everything's just about ready," Jared suggested. He had made a simple lasagna, bread and salad. He served up the plates and everyone dug in. Compliments were mumbled between bites and the light conversation flowed easily between the three.

After the table was cleared, Steve jumped right back to playing a game of pool. Jared jokingly said, "What, are you gonna kick my ass as well? Jensen's been wiping the floor with me."

"When did you suddenly get so good?" Steve teased.

"Jared's just a sucky player. You'd think by now he'd pick up a few tricks, but nope. I still just zing past him."

"Okay, who's up? Time to get schooled by the master."

"Sure, I'll give it a shot," Jared offered. As promised, Steve ran the whole game, sinking all of the solids before Jared even got a chance to take a shot. "Damn. Wow. That was impressive."

"You ready, old man?" Steve asked Jensen.

"Oh, what the hell. I need to be put back into my place," Jensen laughed. He was able to get a couple shots in before Steve ran the balls to win the game. "Glad to see that hasn't changed."

"So, how 'bout hitting the club?" Jared asked, figuring out that pool was over for the night.

"Sure," Steve answered. "Who's driving?"

"I'll be the designated driver," Jared offered. They climbed into his SUV and headed out to the bar Jared had mentioned that had the best wings in town. The club, of course, was crowded, even at 9 and there were only going to be more people coming in. The three of them scouted for a table and found one of the last ones that was open. Jensen offered to go get beers while Jared and Steve got the table.

"Look," Steve said. "Jensen's going to be back here any minute. But I'm serious, dude, about the if you hurt him I'll kill you speech. I know you know what's happened to him and I won't let it happen again. I was three steps away from seriously hurting Kevin. Jensen stepped in and asked me not to. But that will not be something I repeat, especially because Jensen's shared his story with you. And don't even ask what I wanted to do about Sam. Jensen would never tell me where he lived, though so I couldn't find him. I don't even know his last name."

"I got it, Steve. I hear you loud and clear. If I ever hurt him, you have my full permission to kick my ass. Hurting him is the last thing I ever want to do. He's too important to me."

"What's too important to you?" Jensen asked as he put the drinks down on the table.

"You are."

"Ah. Steve gave you the speech, huh?"

Jared grabbed Jensen's hand. "Yeah and I told him he had nothing to worry about."

Jensen leaned over and kissed Jared. "I know, babe. I know."

"Okay, enough of this lovefest," Steve said. He grabbed his beer, raised it and offered another toast to the upcoming new year. 

They ordered appetizers and took in the atmosphere, listening to the music and just watching everyone at the bar. There were more beers for Jensen and Steve and sodas for Jared. The three of them were just comfortable, Jensen and Steve relaying stories from their days in ER. Jensen smiled as he watched two of the most important people in his life getting along.

Finally, the countdown to midnight began. They counted down from 15 seconds and when the ball dropped, Jensen gave Steve a big hug. "Glad you're back in my life, dude." He then turned to Jared and kissed him deeply. "I love you, Jared."

"I love you too, Jensen. Here's to a new year and a new start."

Jensen smiled. Yeah, this was looking like it might shape up to be a good year.


End file.
